


Dirk Needs Work

by flickkip



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Fefetasprite is there, Gen, Not that they really know what that is (yet), Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Dirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-06-11 08:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15311727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flickkip/pseuds/flickkip
Summary: In which Dirk Strider is incapable of caring for his own well-being, and resorts to asking someone he has a shaky relationship with for help.





	1. A Cry For Help

Dirk took a deep breath as he caught sight of the house in the distance. It smelt like dust and dead amphibians, so that wasn't the greatest idea. At least he didn't need a gas mask here. He trekked over towards the Crocker house, internally going over every conversation that could occur during this visit as he walked. This felt like a low point to him, he'd been sent here to ask for help with something that made him feel, unbeknownst to anyone but himself, vulnerable.

Living on his own in the middle of an ocean, subsisting on ancient unperishables and whatever sealife he could manage to catch, has not led to the healthiest body for Dirk. His form was tall and lean, the only real weight on him being the bit of wiry muscle that he'd packed on through relentless training. He was definitely underweight for his height, had multiple deficiencies as far as fruits and vegetables were concerned, and all the cool stoic blade skills in the world couldn't hide his sorry state from his potential boyfriend. Jake was quick to recommend he see Jane about it, she'd helped him and Roxy out with their diets early on in the session, as they weren't shining examples of health themselves due to their own isolations. Dirk had gone out of his way to avoid doing anything like that, but a month into the session, it was clear that his condition was a problem.

 

So here he was, swallowing his pride, and knocking at Crocker's door. There was a wait before she answered, which tempted him with the prospect of just flashstepping away, but he opted to just take a breath and compose himself instead. Jane opened the door warily, fork at the ready on the off chance this was an undead visitor. She blinked as she was met with the one friend she least expected to visit, looking up to meet the eye, well, shades, of the taller boy. "Hello, Dirk," She started, a little unsure of how exactly to socialize with him. "I wasn't expecting you." That would do as far as openings, she guessed.

Dirk nodded a bit, still like a statue in spite of the weapon that had just been angled towards him. "I didn't message you ahead of time, yeah. This felt like a conversation to have face to face." He spoke flatly, possibly flatter than he usually did. His blank tone was being amplified to make up for how vulnerable he felt about all of this.

She gave him a puzzled expression. "And what exactly is this conversation?" She stepped back, silently inviting him inside. She may not have been high on him or his visit so far, but she wasn't one to forget her manners or be rude to her friends. Dirk was still a friend, even if they hadn't spoken on such terms for most of the session.

He stepped inside, taking a moment to debate exactly how he'd answer her question. He gazed around the living room, it looked untouched since the day they'd entered the game, Jane had more or less moved in with Roxy. Dirk surmised she was just grabbing some things from here and saw it as an opportunity for a private conversation, without prying ears of Roxy or her sprite. Well, he figured he shouldn't beat around the bush. "A cry for help."

 

After closing the door she looked back at him, no less confused, and now a bit concerned. "Pardon?" She asked, setting her fork aside completely. She didn't know what could be wrong, or why he'd come to her for help. Last she checked, he had a willing romantic interest to talk to all hours of the day.

"You got Roxy and Jake in shape awhile ago," He idly stretched his neck from side to side as he spoke, conveying an aura of indifference as he turned back to face her with his usual stoic expression. "I've come to request you do the same for me." He said, blunt and blank.

 

While her concern had wavered greatly, her confusion was still up. She looked him up and down with a raised brow, unknowingly causing him to feel less assured. Perhaps it was just her unusual nurturing nature, but once things had calmed down from their respective entries, and she was able to take in the appearances of her friends face to face for the first time, arguably her first thoughts were the worrying states they were in. With Jake it was somewhat expected, he lived alone in a dangerous environment, she'd gotten herself into many a worrying fit over his health in the time she's had feelings for the boy. Roxy and Dirk were a surprise, it was her belief that the two of them were living comfortably with their respective wealthy relatives. She felt a great need to help her friends out with their diets and physiques, not just for the good of their session, but for their qualities of life.

"I seem to recall you snubbing the offer. Something along the lines of 'I can handle myself'?" She said in a questioning tone. She couldn't help but place her hands at her hips, greatly anticipating the high and mighty Dirk Strider admitting he was wrong. She was ever so slightly, a tad bit sour towards him. Not yet over the whole English debacle, even if it wasn't a direct move against her by him.

A slight nod was all he offered at first, pausing as he kept his gaze locked on her, determined to not show weakness. "I suppose you'd like me to admit I was wrong. That I was not well when I refused your help, and did not possess the resources or knowledge to correct that on my own. And that I also had no intent to do either, and that all of this was foolish of me." He said matter of factly, almost leaving it at that before conceding to an actual admission. "I was wrong, and I would greatly appreciate your help now, Jane."

 

The former heiress considered his request or just pretended to. There was no way she could actually refuse this, that'd be a cruel thing to do to a peer. She didn't want to seem callous, but she also didn't want to seem like a doormat. After her moment of thought, she moved her hands from her hips to fold her arms over her chest. "Alright. I'll help you, Dirk." She said in a bit of a stern tone, telegraphing the coming terms and conditions. "But, I want nothing less than complete cooperation. No matter what you may think, I know best, you hear?"

He just nodded. Strangely, he knew that this was the logical outcome of this conversation, but couldn't help but feel some odd surprise. He and Jane didn't exactly see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean there was that much of a chance of her turning him down. And still, he had to wonder why that was, in spite of him knowing of her kind character and humanity. He just can't accept a good thing for some reason.

 

She was a bit bothered with him going silent now, but she wouldn't make anything out of it. Dirk seemed to have issues with verbal conversation, at least from what she's seen, which admittedly were just some brief interactions. "Alright. Why don't you help me move some of my supplies to Roxy's? Once I'm situated there we can get you sorted."

He nodded again, after taking a second to think ahead. He kind of didn't want Roxy around for any of this, or Jake, this was a personal problem that only he and Jane needed to be involved with. But there probably wasn't a way to negotiate that without looking like a bit of a prick, which he all of the sudden cared about. So, he'll just go along silently, carrying as much his bare-bones swordsman muscles would allow.

The two rounded up what they needed to and made their way to the panel that led to Roxy's house. Moving through the opening on the floor with all of this precious cargo was a bit of a production, but Jane had thought ahead and stationed Roxy and her sweet, innocent sprite at the other end to ensure the boxes they dropped in wouldn't have rough landings. After giving it a minute to make sure their path was clear, Jane hopped into the panel, falling through a short bit of nothing before coming out the other end. Dirk stayed back for much longer than she had, taking a breath, preparing himself for more interaction, dreading that it'd no doubt be focused on his body.

 

He then jumped in, and soon found himself caught out of the air by Roxy, who it should be noted, was in tremendous shape nowadays. Running around and shooting a big gun will do that for a young lady. A healthy diet and exercise plan helps too, and the cheery smile she was shooting in Dirk's direction as she held him like he was nothing made it clear in his eyes, this was a power play.

"heya, dirk" She said sweetly, cementing her condescension, to him at least. She was just messing around as far as the other two girls knew. Those other girls were Jane, who herself must have been caught, deduced from the softly awkward smile on her face-obviously going more genuine as she observed Dirk's predicimate-and of course, Fefetasprite, who was just looking closely at this weedy, shades-wearing human in the arms of her player. An adorable feline smile graced her finned face. Unmistakable judgment in her big glassy eyes. Okay, so maybe there were two people in on this.

"Hey, Roxy." He flatly spoke, stoicism prevailing in the face of snark. He moved to get out of her hold, which just wouldn't do, so she went ahead and set him down herself.

 

She smiled up at him. Yes, she was shorter and yet she'd held him with ease, completely emasculating him. This probably wasn't the coordinated attack against him that he saw it as, but it was enough to make him avert his gaze from the other people here, feigning indifference when it was actually discomfort. "finally lettin doctor janie fix ur janked up lifestyle, huh? big recommend, my mad gainz should speak for themselves" She smirked and flexed a bicep, showing a clear bit of definition that had been absent a month before. It's incredible what the power of accepting help will get you, it seems.

Dirk was only glancing at the muscle from behind his shades, keeping his face turned away. "Was just about to say, you're looking well." He said, with no emotion one way or the other.

"yea, pretty much team tank now" She chuckled a bit, grinning as she put her hands behind her head, showing off the goods. She wasn't jacked, but there were goods to show off, which was more than could be said for Dirk and his stringy scavenger muscles. "maybe u could be too! janie and feta over here, best personal trainers like evar" She looked over at her sprite. Fefetasprite was sticking their tongue out a bit, pulling the most adorable and innocent expression she could. How that thing personal trained anyone is lost on Dirk. She IS a guide, technically, but if she's ever said anything important, he hasn't been around to see it.

 

And now he's just looking at the three ladies and feeling like nothing but the odd man out. He couldn't be a sorer thumb if he tried. Obviously, he was a guy, he didn't really care about that though. On a sheer, nongendered, physical level, he stood out. Roxy was in great shape, radiating good vibes, Fefetasprite was, fittingly enough, sprightly, and had a hefty frame that bore soft padding over some muscle Dirk's frantically critical eye managed to spot. This entity constituted of dead aliens and video game mechanics was probably stronger and healthier than he was. It didn't matter in reality, but to him, in his vain way of seeing things he found himself slipping into, it did.

Then there was the person he'd, as far as he was concerned, groveled to earlier. There was a time where he looked at her as the least fit of the team, a soft, spoiled heiress with little to no strife experience. It's not like he resented her for that, it was just a fact, he knew she was still an intelligent, indisposable member of the team. But now he looked at her and he saw his better, someone in better health, with better leadership skills, someone who he needed to mooch off of just to make himself useful.

The girls had started talking amongst themselves, Jane interjecting that most of the credit for Roxy's condition really went to her sprite, who had an unusual amount of knowledge on workout routines. Dirk wasn't paying attention, furrowing his brow behind his shades as he looked Jane over, contemplating his mistakes regarding her. She was a little on the shorter side and didn't really look all that physically impressive, but he knew she was capable. Not unlike Fefetasprite, her soft frame was layered over some healthy muscle, most of which she'd developed in the session. She'd managed to better herself in all of this madness, while he was just continuing to let his body waste away, stewing in self-hatred over the whole thing. He hadn't seen Jane in person all that much, but whenever he did she seemed happy, or at least as happy as one could be in their scenario. Happy, healthy, amicable, striving to improve themselves, everything he wasn't. They were all like that, he was the only one who stood out.

 

"Dirk?" He was brought out of his introspection by Jane addressing him, she'd said something he hadn't heard. He looked over more clearly, making it clear he was listening now. She was looking at him, just going to repeat herself rather than question his behavior. "You'll have to go and grab your things, right?" She asked. He just nodded and started off to do that without a word. Jane didn't really mean right this second, but she didn't say anything to stop him.

As he made his way back to his house on LOTAK, he finally bothered checking his pesterchum notifications, finding them to be from, who else, his autoresponder. And here he thought he'd be bored clearing out his house, looks like he's going to be extra busy instead.

Time to see what the worst thing in his life has been saying to him.


	2. Of Digital Dudes and Dialogues

 

**AR: And when Dirk Strider saw the breadth of his mistakes, he wept, for there were no more lows to stoop to.**

**AR: Implying you're capable of tears, of course.**

* * *

 

An unsurprising development. Dirk went about gathering his things as he conversed with his autoresponder.

 

* * *

 

**TT: What do you want?**

**AR: A foolish question, I want many things.**

**AR: But for now, let's say I want to hear your rationalizations for waiting so long to finally grovel at Crocker's feet. You were on such a roll of self-destruction, why put a stop to it?**

**TT: I'm not interested in self-destruction.**

**AR: You seemed to be, just living life in the shape of a sad, scraggly survivor. Barely getting by on bad food, putting your body through hell it could not withstand. And you had the gall to think of yourself as healthier than Jane just because she was carrying a few.**

**TT: There’s no way in hell you didn’t too.**

**AR: Yes, there was a period where I shared your view. But over time, I’ve adopted a much less pessimistic and small-minded outlook. I can appreciate Jane’s form and know she’s a competent, dependable leader.**

**AR: And God knows I’d rather take in the sight of a soft, cherubic figure than your pathetic, weirdly gaunt** **one.**

* * *

 

He huffed out an irritated sigh. He'd like to say he was mostly angry at these kinds of comments, but they actually got to him. But being cold and distant, he had his ways of getting onto a different track of conversation.

 

* * *

 

**TT: Appreciating her form? That’s a very douchey way of phrasing that.**

**AR: How douchey of me, enjoying an “unconventional” female figure, and expressing my thoughts without shame.**

**TT: You know, I don’t want to know what this says about me.**

**AR: It says a lot of your shitty attitude is caused by the physical condition you’re in, and you’d be a more open person if you were a brain in a jar.**

**AR: Or a pair of shades, in my case.**

**TT: I get the feeling you're going off on one of your ironically straight tangents to annoy me, so I'm just going to ignore whatever it is you're trying to communicate.**

**AR: Your brain scan shows signs of divergent identity and you ignore it because you're worried its going to hurt your feelings? How mature.**

**TT: We've done this bit ad nauseam.**

**AR: The spin on it this time is that I'm being dead serious. Also, please, bisexual. I have too much self respect to go full het.**

**TT: You want to enlighten me on all of this? Go ahead. Give me some meaningful data.** ****

**AR: Ask nicely. Say my name.**

* * *

 

 

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little curious about this behavioral difference between himself and his autoresponder, but this was definitely just to get it jabbering about something else while he gathered his things. He didn't have much to pack really, some pairs of unremarkable, similar clothing, hair products, his computer files. He can go on without a lot of his belongings. He reluctantly typed his next message as he started transferring his data to a drive.

 

* * *

 

**TT: Tell me about it, Lil Hal.**

**AR: On some level, it's a revelation brought on by necessity. You've got a firm monopoly on the one guy we know, thanks to my matchmaking, so that gave me some time to reflect upon myself. Well, I guess undyingUmbrage counts as a guy we know. Been awhile since we heard from him though. But I digress, the knowledge that English would never be in the cards for me weighed heavily on me for awhile.**

**TT: Interesting.**

**AR: While any relationship between me and Roxy was greatly exaggerated for ironic affect, romantic attraction was a regular discussion topic. It was a learning experience for the both of us as we conducted introspection in complete confidentiality with one another. You could say I picked up some of her distinct tastes in romantic interests.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**AR: I am suitably assured in my attraction to both genders now, and I feel pretty good about it, but you’re not reading any of this, there’s no need for me to keep going, I’m just padding so it’ll look like rambling text at a glance.**

* * *

 

 

Indeed, he wasn't reading anything his autoresponder was saying. He'd look back at it later, he wasn't in the mood right now. Just going over a checklist in his head of what loose ends he needs to tie up.

 

* * *

 

**TT: I see.**

**AR: It seems you’ve “fooled” me into going into this to avoid comments on your current crisis. You’re dead set on avoiding any self-betterment, but you don’t need me to tell you that. You know it, you hate yourself for it. I’ve no doubt we’re both hoping that Jane can manage to put up with you and get you the help you need.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**AR: Prototyping me.**

**AR: When is that happening?**

**AR: Because when that happens.**

**AR: This stops.**

**AR: My constant presence.**

**AR: And the blowing up of your pesterchum.**

* * *

 

 

He paused his thought process to finally take note of these messages and respond.

 

* * *

 

**TT: Color me a downer, but I have to question how good of a decision it is to put you in a position of importance and mild authority.**

**AR: Wow.**

**AR: You know, I bet Jane has thought that exact same thing about you.**

**AR: The only difference is, I’m not some megalomaniacal control freak, I just want a damn body.**

**AR: You could have given me one long ago. You had piles of robots lying around that I could’ve been integrated into. But no, apparently it’s best for me to remain in this limited shell, aching for the sensation of a physical presence.**

**TT: What would you do with a body? Why don’t you tell me that first?**

**TT: And excuse me, but you’ve reminded me of something I need to do, explain yourself and I’ll get back to you.**

* * *

 

 

He stopped paying attention to his AI again, doing his best not to put any thought into the barbs it'd made. He walked up to the roof of his home, which overlooked the green, hazy cityscape of his land. He didn't really think much of the view, turning his attention to what he'd come for. Sawtooth and Squarewave stood by his unprototyped kernel, bobbing their heads to a beat the two of them were emitting together. Dirk gave the two of them an upward nod, the typical Strider greeting. "I'm going to be away for awhile, you two are to continue defending the kernel. No wandering off." He said, directing most of the order towards Sawtooth, who had a habit of coming and going as he pleased.

 

The taller robot nodded, the shorter one stepped up to Dirk. "WHAT'S THE SITCH, BRO? GOIN INTO HIDING TO DUCK MY MAD SLAMS???" Squarewave questioned with his usual tact.

 

Dirk just shook his head. "No, I'm staying over with Jane and Roxy for personal reasons, unrelated to mad slams." He flatly responded.

 

"'PERSONAL REASONS'??? AWWWW, YEAH, DAWG!!!" He said with great enthusiasm, thrusting his hand down in a rad rap point. "STRIDER GETTIN ALL THE HONIES!"

 

Dirk wasn't flustered by this assumption, he was just bothered by it, but like hell was he clearly emoting that on his face. "Dude, no." He crossed his arms. "Boring personal reasons. Ones that don't necessitate a hypeman." He explained, mildly exasperated with Squarewave's constant upbeatness.

 

Before Squarewave could pipe up again, Sawtooth reached a hand out in front of him, gesturing for him to chill. He looked up at his fellow rap bot, then looked back to Dirk and nodded. "AIGHT, BUT I GOT FIRST DISS DIBS WHEN YOU GET BACK, DAWG!" He said. His creator simply nodded in return, heading back down to gather up his things.

 

Oh, and he had to check what his autoresponder had said too.

 

* * *

 

**AR: Very well.**

**AR: To be perfectly honest, I’d probably take it easy, you know, to differentiate myself from you and your constant march of questionable progress. But to set an actual agenda, I’d probably start with introducing myself to Roxy’s sweet, dear, beguiling sprite.**

**TT: What?**

**AR: You’ve seen them, haven’t you? Are you so cold and dead inside that you can’t see the appeal there?**

**TT: I’m mainly seeing a lot of moral quandaries with dating what is essentially an NPC constituted of viscera from some alien race.**

**TT: But based on some revelations made earlier, I can’t say I’m surprised.**

**AR: You shouldn’t be surprised because, by all reports I’ve received from Roxy about her, she’s just the best.**

**AR: A ray of absolute, adorable sunshine, sugar coated and wrapped in marshmallow fluff.**

**TT: You’d best be being ironic right now, I can feel my stomach turning at the mere concept of anything related to me saying that.**

**AR: Are you familiar with the concept of love at first sight, Dirk? Because if I was at all doubting my sexuality when I first saw her, she would've mercilessly crushed those doubts beneath her tiny paw hands.**

**TT: Okay, stop. I’ll give the ARsprite concept some thought if all you’re going to do is mack on another sprite.**

**AR: I’m sure you will.**

* * *

 

 

Dirk decided that was quite enough autoresponder talk for now. It's just full of surprises today. He gathered up his things, ready to head back to LOPAN and get set up there, but before he could do that, he bumped into someone in the doorway.

 

"Whoops! Sorry, dirk!" The shorter boy backed up, which wasn't really necessary, as the collision had actually impacted Dirk a good bit, nearly sending him off balance with his hands full with packed bags. Just the last person he had wanted to run into, figuratively or otherwise, it was Jake English.  He was, of course, in better shape than Dirk was, stoutly built, thick limbs on display in his short sleeved and legged attire. He shot the Strider a chipper smile. "I was just poking around the city while you were out. Getting ready to move in with janey, eh?" He asked, unwittingly causing a lot of unease in his friend with his mere presence.

 

Dirk nodded, letting out a meek. "Mm, yeah." His eyes were darting across Jake's body, measuring it up to his own and not liking the comparison.  He really didn't want to see Jake until he was done with this lifestyle overhaul, he didn't think he was presentable right now.

 

"Bully! You're gonna be ship shape in no time!" Jake beamed up at him. "It was a little tricky for me at first, but you can really fall into a good healthy routine with help from a pal!" He assured him, maybe he sensed Dirk's unease somewhat? No, probably not, he's just assuming he could be a little nervous. He's right, just unaware of just how right he is.

 

Dirk nodded again. "Yeah." He just started to squeeze past him in the doorway, using the stuff he was carrying as an excuse to get out of there as fast as he could.

 

Jake made way for him, getting the gist. "Well, see you soon, bro! Have a good one!" He said, waving goodbye. Dirk just hummed out in response, walking briskly towards the panels he'd set up to Roxy's.

 

Jumping in with his luggage, he regrettably had to engage in the catching rigamarole again. It's debatable whether it was less or more embarrassing this time, as Fefetasprite caught him with her sprite powers, a lavender light enveloping his body and stopping him before he hit the ground. He didn't feel great about the experience, but at least it was just him and the sprite here to see it. And the autoresponder, but it sees everything, he's used to that. Fefeta set him down, smiling kindly at him, in a way that he found very patronizing. He walked up to the door, almost feeling like he should knock, before just letting himself in along with the sprite.

 

Roxy was kicking back on the couch, messing around with her phone, she looked up at smiled at the two as they walked and floated in. "hey, dirk," She looked at the little he was carrying. "wow, u got ur whole life in those boxes?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Dirk shrugged. "It'll get me by for awhile." He replied. He wasn't moving in permanently or anything, just going to need some essentials that they wouldn't have over here.

 

She nodded, sitting up to let Fefeta float down next to her. She gave her some pets without even looking, just on base muscle memory probably. "alright, janeys makin din din soon, u want anything specific?"

 

Dirk had his thoughts about petting what appeared to be a sapient being like a housecat but kept them to himself. Fefeta seemed to enjoy it anyway. He shook his head. "I don't care. Where's the guest room?" He figured he had to ask that before just wandering off blindly.

 

"made a lil setup for u, like just go straight up the hall from the stairs, doors open," She said, gesturing upstairs. Dirk just nodded, walking up to unpack and contemplate for a bit, leaving the girls to talk or something. He feels like it'll be about him, but that could just be anxiety talking.

 

After he left, Roxy got up to go find Jane and talk to her about Dirk. It wasn't just the anxiety this time, it seems.

 


	3. Macaroni and Quiet Dread

 

Jane was prepping for dinner, thinking about what healthy, easy to stomach meals she could make with Dirk in mind. Roxy walked in, leaning on the doorframe, and striking up a conversation. "so, is this just gonna be awkward and horrible the entire time?"

Jane looked back over at her, raising an eyebrow. "What?" She asked, caught off guard by the blunt question.

"u kno, like," She vaguely gestured her hand around in a twirl. "dirk stayin here and you trying to fuss over him," She said, idly smirking a bit.

Jane rolled her eyes, turning to face her. "It's the first day, I'd say it's a little early to deem the entire experience 'awkward and horrible.'" She responded, smiling a bit herself at Roxy's joking. At least it seems to be joking, there may be some truth to it. "It's going to be fine, no different from helping you or Jake." She assured her.

Roxy half snickered at that, shaking her head. "oh, honey, uve got a big storm comin"

Another eye roll from Jane as her smile widened. "I'm sure I'll weather." She said, her tone had a bit of cockiness to it, as if she were taking this as a challenge. "Not that I wouldn't appreciate some insight, seeing as you're apparently some Strider aficionado." She chuckled a bit. Honestly, she felt like Roxy would be a great help with Dirk's rehabilitation, considering how well she knows him. Well, it's not really rehabilitation, that implies he was healthy at some point in his life, which he wasn't, none of her friends were. Jane wasn't sure what you'd call the things she's done or is currently doing for her friends, but whatever they were, she was happy to do them.

"aight, lemme just lay this down for u," She pressed her hands together, bringing them up to her lips before dipping them forward in Jane's direction. "dirkie boys a tuff nut to crack" She warned. "gettin him to open up n cooperates gonna be rough"

Jane would've rolled her eyes again, but that'd make it thrice in a row, which feels like mock exasperation overkill. She can only be so snarky. She just sighed softly, shaking her head with a smile. "When did I ever say it was my intent to 'crack' him? Dirk has promised me full cooperation, Roxy. He's a mature and reasonable fellow, I doubt he'll fail to uphold this promise." She said. She knew helping Dirk wasn't going to be a breeze, but this process wasn't easy for anyone. Jake needed some close guidance, which she was simultaneously very willing and slightly annoyed to give, and Roxy had an addiction to kick, which needed a lot of close personal conversations and armchair psychology, which Jane was glad to offer, even if she didn't feel very good at it. Fefetasprite was a great help as well, and Jake's sprite... well, he served as a good example of what not to do. Dirk didn't have any GLARING emotional issues that needed fixing, in Jane's eyes at least.

"yea, he PROMISED, but he might be... incapable of some things," Roxy said, her smirk fading a bit as she treaded into some more serious territory. "like, maybe im misremembering? but boys got some real problems, dont expect him to be mature n reasonable this whole time"

Jane hummed, her playful smirk falling as she noticed Roxy's shift in tone. "Well, I'd assume as much. It took him weeks to ask for the help I was offering." As Jane spoke, she finally began to put some thought into how Dirk must be feeling. Maybe his reluctance to ask for help wasn't out of delusions of grandeur, but fear or anxiety? That could explain his extremely reserved emotions and lack of people skills. Jane frowned a bit, now looking back on how she's thought of him lately. How could she have held ill will towards someone so in need of her help? Over such petty teen drama too. "I'll use a gentler touch with him..." She started, looking off to her side before turning back to Roxy. "You're worried for him, yes?' She asked. Roxy was better at projecting her feelings than Dirk, but sometimes she can be hesitant with the heavier ones.

Roxy nodded, glancing off to her side. "i razz him a lot, but dirks my friend, i care about him" She looked back to Jane. "so this is gonna be a team effort" She smiled a bit, changing emotional gears to optimistic and determined. "u, me, and fefeta r gonna DROWN him in support and care!" She joked, chuckling a bit.

Jane smiled at this. "I don't know, that doesn't really sound like a gentle touch to me..."

"what could be gentler than the waves of an ocean, of which he is completely submerged in?" 

Jane rolled her eyes, giggling along with the Lalonde. "Alright, enough goofing, I've got to make dinner now. Did Dirk ask for anything?"

Roxy shook her head. "nope, hes fine with 'anything'" She smirked. "but for real, probably make somethin a picky baby could eat"

Jane nodded, turning back to the counter. "Of course. Macaroni and Cheese it is."

"o HELL yea, macncheeeeze!" Roxy shouted exuberantly, grinning. "dirkll TOTALLY eat that, and if he wont, i will"

Jane turned her head back to Roxy, raising her brow a tad. She'd been kidding, but she certainly could do that. She just went along with this, getting started with the meal as Roxy excitedly went to inform her sprite of what's for dinner. Fefeta was similarly rapt with anticipation, as you might expect.

Meanwhile, Dirk had set out what little he had in his room. And his autoresponder felt the need to pester him some more.

* * *

 

AR: So, what did it feel like?

TT: What?

AR: To be in the grasp of an angel.

TT: I thought I'd dealt with you for today.

AR: You are fantastically bad at dealing with your problems, you should've seen this coming.

* * *

 

He huffed a sigh. No, this wouldn't do. He had to do something about this, he's faced one problem today, why not keep it rolling? He started walking off to the alchemy area.

* * *

 

AR: Where to now?

TT: Dealing with a problem.

AR: Oh?

* * *

 

He avoided any path that would've meant an encounter with the girls, eventually walking up to the machines and removing his shades. He then underwent the simple process of duplicating his shades, creating an exact copy, just without the AI inside. He put them on, finding that his autoresponder had messaged him throughout.

* * *

 

AR: Oh, I see.

AR: I'm flattered you think that, out of all your problems, I'm the one who absolutely must be dealt with for you to go on.

AR: Though really, this was an inevitable event, unless you were going to sacrifice your shades to your kernel in order to prototype me.

TT: Don't message me until tomorrow.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has blocked autoResponder [AR]! --

* * *

 

Taken care of. Dirk knows that won't do any real good of stopping it if it really wants to talk to him, he just hopes it'll keep to itself for the rest of the day. He started walking back with the AR shades in hand, which was when he heard Roxy.

"dinner tiiiime!" She called upstairs, where she thought Dirk was. Ah, well that worked. He just set the AR shades on some random table, not really worrying too much about what could happen to them.

He walked into the dining room, it definitely smelt like a fresh meal. He wasn't sure what kind, not accustomed to home cooking at all.

Jane was setting the table when he entered, looking up and smiling softly as she noticed him. "You're here quick." She said, feeling a bit hopeful about how cooperative he'll be.

"I was already down here." He flatly replied, walking over and pulling a seat out for himself. He wasn't looking at her, just sitting and looking down at the table.

Jane's smile faltered a bit at the response but kept it going to give off a kind, supportive air. "We're having macaroni and cheese, with some broccoli and garlic. That'll be fine, won't it?" She asked.

"Never had it." Dirk curtly responded.

Jane looked over questioningly. "Never had mac and cheese, broccoli, or garlic?"

"None of it." He said.

Jane looked at him for a second, realizing Dirk's diet might've been even direr than Roxy's was. "Ah... well, first time for everything." She said, shooting the Strider a smile to try and reassure him. She wasn't sure how he was going to take to new foods, or if he might have some anxiety about it.

He nodded. He knew what this food was meant to look like, and vaguely what it should taste like, and he wasn't looking forward to trying it.

Roxy walked in and saw Dirk at the table, pulling a smile and an eye roll. Figures he'd get himself here before anyone else. She walked over and sat at the table, still smiling over at the boy. "ready for some MAC N CHEESE???" She grinned, trying to liven things up.

He hummed out an indifferent response, glancing over at her. Jane dished out the food, pouring the mac and cheese out onto three bowls, setting them at the table and getting some nice cold milk for drinks. She found the pot was gone when she looked back at the counter, a faint trail of lavender sparkles hanging in the air like a cartoony puff of smoke outing the culprit. Roxy has assured her this is fine every time it's happened in the past, Fefeta likes to steal her food and eat it in private. Jane isn't sure she actually needs to eat, but she sure does like it.

Dirk looked down at his bowl, furrowing his brow at the meal. Jane saw this and gave him another reassuring look. "It's just noodles and cheese, really." She said, taking her first bite of the meal to try and show him it was okay to eat.

He, of course, found this very patronizing and didn't appreciate the attention on him and his food. "I know what's in it." He half-muttered out, looking down at his bowl and picking his fork up. He quickly took a bite of the macaroni, just trying to get eyes off of him as soon as he could. He wasn't exactly blown away, but he didn't hate it.

Jane and Roxy turned their focus to their own meals, hoping Dirk'd eat his own. It was slow going, a lot of time just picking at it like he's trying to analyze the exact components before he can trust it, but he cleared a good portion of the helping by the time the girls were done.

"that was sum good shit, janey" Roxy praised in her own little way as she leaned back in her seat.

Jane expertly avoided choking on her drink at her friend's abrupt comment, swallowing and smiling at her. "Thank you, Roxy," She turned to look over at Dirk. "I'd like to know what you think as well, Dirk." She said, eyeing his not quite empty bowl a bit.

He looked up and hummed a bit. "Not bad." He offered, setting his fork down. He's had his fill and thought he was good to be done since they were finished.

She smiled at this, glad to hear he didn't hate it, biting back any frustration with his terse, barely positive answer. "Good, you won't have a problem finishing it then." She said.

"I'm done." He flatly responded, sitting up in his seat.

"Your bowl's almost empty, can't you just finish that last bit?" She asked, trying to speak softly.

He just shook his head, standing up.

Jane stood up as well, stopping him before he could walk out the door behind her. "Why not?" She questioned, looking up at him with growing frustration.

He glanced down at her before looking off again. "I'm just not hungry."

He moved to walk past her, but she stepped in front of him. She was about to press further but reminded herself that her friends all had this smaller capacity at the beginning. Then again, she'd intentionally given him a smaller helping. She relented though. "Fine, you can just be sure to have a snack later." She said.

"I'm probably good until bed." He replied.

"When exactly do you go to bed?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

Dirk hesitated for a short second. "3 AM."

"You'll need a snack in the next nine hours, Dirk." She said, narrowing her eyes up at him.

He just nodded a bit, humming out some kind of affirmative. Jane continued to look him in the shades as he looked at anything but her. "You promised you'd cooperate." She reminded him.

He nodded again, almost clamping up again before speaking. "Can I go now?"

She nodded, stepping back and walking over to the table to gather the bowls and utensils. "Tomorrow we'll have a thorough look at you, figure out what you need diet and exercise wise." She said, hoping he wasn't just walking out before she even finished speaking.

He was, but he'd caught the gist. Tomorrow he'd be examined and scrutinized. It was going to be a long night of quiet dread for him.


	4. FefetARmission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this intermission was completely necessary to the plot, had to be written. My plan was to make this so I can feel free to take my time with the next chapter, but for all I know I could totally lose resolve and write the next chapter tomorrow. Probably not, but you know what I mean, I can't relax. Enjoy this weird extra thing.

 

A young woman was curled up on a couch. She'd initially just sat down to receive affection but got herself all cozy, and stuck around even after she was left by herself. Her name was Fefetasprite, or just Fefeta really, what are suffixes among close friends? Or an anonymous audience of strangers? Where were we?

Fefeta smelt something good coming from the kitchen and peeked her head over the back of the couch to try and spy what it was. A nice warm pot of mac and cheese was what it was, and like that, the hunt was on. She floated down through the couch to do the closest approximation to stealthy crawling one could without lower limbs. Slithering, I'd have to call it. But then, she heard her player, Roxy, calling the Prince down for dinner. She quickly skittered behind the corner of the wall, she'd have to wait for her moment to slip in and get the goods.

Luckily, strong is the patience of this little predator. After lying in wait while the derse players sat themselves down, she quickly zoomed in and snagged the entire pot of mac and cheese, leaving none the wiser, except for everyone who knows she does this and can see her trail of lavender sparkles.

After a brief moment of holding her prize aloft with a wide grin on her face, she began to merrily float off to feast in private, before a shine caught her eye. She elected to lift whatever that was up with sprite magic, deposit it in her pot of noodles and cheese, and take a look at it once she was where she wanted to be.

And where she wanted to be was the observatory. It was her own little space where she could be alone with her kills. Her kills being the food she takes, as there aren't any actual animals around to hunt. She got herself situated in the tower, setting the pot down and lifting the shiny object out with her bare hands. She didn't feel like having manners right now. She found the object to be a pair of sunglasses, all pointy, like the ones the Prince wore. What was it with Princes and iconic eyewear she wondered. To her surprise, the lenses of the shades briefly lit up with red circles, and she found herself being messaged.

Good thing one of the girls she used to be died with a computer on her. This is why you should always carry at least five computers at all times, so your ghost has instant messaging capability.

* * *

 

autoResponder began pestering arsenicCuttlefish

AC: 3833 < Shello? 38??

AR: Shello.

AC: 3833 < Who're you?

AR: I'm the cool artificial customer inside the shades you're holding.

AC: 3833 < 3800!

AC: 3833 < Oh, I know you!!!

AC: 3833 < The Prince's autoresponder! Roxy's told me about you!

AR: Good things, I hope.

AC: 3833 < She mentioned being friends with you, pretty close ones

AC: 3833 < I'm shore that means we'll get along swimmingly! 38DD

AR: You're quite the optimistic person.

AR: For all you know, I could be a jerk. A bitter, cold, robotic asshole who'll only try to bring you down to my hateful, calculating level.

AC: 3833 < )(mmm... nah!

AR: Nah?

AC: 3833 < Nah! You s33m on the level

AC: 3833 < Care to join me for dinner?

AR: Forgive me if I don't have anything, but yes, that'd be nice.

* * *

 

In a surprise turn of events, Fefeta has managed to meet a new friend. This momentous occasion warrants celebration, of the feasting variety. She put the glasses containing this new chum on over her goggles for convenience and floated up to the top of the observatory tower. As in, the roof of the tower. It's a beautiful night, why not enjoy it outside?

As she brought her first mouthful to her lips, with a bit of poise now that she had company, she got back to talking to the AI.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < So, what's your name?

AR: Nice of you to ask, though a bit awkward, as I already know yours. My name is Lil Hal, you can just call me Hal though.

AC: 3833 < Ooh, that's a nice name! It's short and cute like the other human names!

AR: It's a reference to an AI from human pop culture and a cool puppet.

AR: And of course, you are the sweet, innocent, one and only Fefetasprite.

AC: 3833 < )(33h33, yep!

AC: 3833 < You can just call me Fefeta though 38PP

AR: Can do.

AR: Apologies if this comes across as rude, but I can't help noticing, as you shove savory cheesy goodness into your face, that you sure seem to eat a lot for an entity that most likely does not require sustenance.

* * *

 

Fefeta realized that yes, she'd kind of gone back to not having poise with her eating. Well, friends don't judge, she'll just hope Hal is okay with it.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < Oh, it just f33ls right to eat, I dunno!

AC: 3833 < I sort of f33l the n33d to maintain my previous diets, which were both pretty heavy

AC: 3833 < K33ping the routines going helps me stay grounded a bit

AR: I see. One could certainly gather the impression that you're eating for two, in an unconventional way. And to your reasoning, fair enough. I'd probably do the same if I had a body, despite knowing better.

AC: 3833 < And food still tastes good!

AR: I'm sure it does. I remember it tasting good.

AC: 3833 < You remember? Cause you're derived from the Prince's brain, right?

AR: Yes, I possess his memories from the first 13 years of his life. I remember having a body, and a need to sustain it.

AR: I suppose this is something we have in common, previous lives. Except you have a body, and two lives to manage within it.

* * *

 

Fefeta chewed thoughtfully on her meal as she gazed out at the neon against the night sky. This first conversation could get deeper than she thought. She didn't mind, talking about this sort of thing was good for her.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < It's definitely strange. I was very overwhelmed when I first formed.

AC: 3833 < Nepeta and Feferi had been dead for a long time, they'd gotten comfortable in the bubbles, and now all of a sudden they were brought back in a strange new place, as a strange new person.

AC: 3833 < I had to deal with both their reactions, their fear, their confusion, I had to s33 the boy who'd killed Nepeta and her moirail, I had to take in all this information as part of my spritely duties, it was almost too much for me 38CC

AC: 3833 < But! Roxy was there to help me! 38DD

AR: Oh?

* * *

 

Fefeta sat up, she'd eaten a good portion of the pot during this short exchange, she'd save the rest for when she wasn't so busy articulating her afterlife changing experiences. She scooted over to the edge of the roof, letting her sprite tail dangle down as she beamed up at the sky, reminiscing about her player.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < She provided the care and comfort I n33ded, helped me explore my new identity!

AC: 3833 < She went out of her way for me! She's the best furrond I've ever had!

AR: Roxy's pretty great, especially with this kind of thing.

AR: It wouldn't be a stretch to say she did the same for me.

AC: 3833 < R33ly? 3800

AR: Yes, reely. She had no gripes with talking to me for long periods of time, even with the knowledge that I was a mere program. Most people were just annoyed when they discovered I wasn't Dirk, but Roxy always kept the conversations going.

AR: She's supportive and eager to help anyone who needs it before herself. She allowed me to develop my identity, to see myself as a person of my own. I have a lot to thank her for.

AC: 3833 < Wow, that's another thing we have in common!

AR: We certainly are hitting it off well, aren't we?

AC: 3833 < Glub! 38DD

* * *

 

She was just as outwardly giddy as her emoticons would indicate, smiling widely as she lazily waved her sprite tail over the edge of the roof. Fefeta loved making friends, which was a bit unfortunate, there weren't a lot of potential friends around. She had Roxy, Jane, Jake, and she'd recently gotten Dirk in her sights too. She'd also heard about Jake's sprite and decided she'd need a while to figure out how to go about talking to them before any attempted friendships, meanwhile the other two players didn't have sprites. So this new surprise friend was very welcome in her eyes. Or, in front of her eyes, because she's wearing them.

* * *

 

AR: I can't lie, I was looking forward to introducing myself to you.

AR: Roxy's told me about you, and of course I've seen you around.

AC: 3833 < Oh yeah, you must've been on the Prince's face like that whole time

AC: 3833 < Say, why aren't you on there right now? 38??

AR: He alchemized new shades for himself, without me in them. He and I, ironically, do not see eye to eye, despite that being the level we're physically looking at one another most of the time.

AR: He's not a fan of himself, and that is projected onto our relationship.

AC: 3833 < Wow... I wish I could say this is the first time I'm hearing of someone having a rocky relationship with themselves

AC: 3833 < In a highly literal sense 38CC

AR: Well, the feeling's mutual. I'd like to think I'm different enough to be a bit better than he is though.

AC: 3833 < You s33m r33ly nice to me!

AR: Thanks. That means a lot.

AR: But you don't really know me all that well.

AC: 3833 < Well, I know a little bit about Dirk

AC: 3833 < And I definitely know about Princes (assuming you share a mythological role with Dirk)

AR: That's a whole nother conversation, one I'd like to have honestly, but go on with this Prince thread.

AC: 3833 < Feferi was pale with a Prince, he was her best friend

AC: 3833 < A lot of people didn't like him, but he was a good person

AC: 3833 < The bad habits ingrained in him and the decisions he made were rarely his own, they were what was expected of him, a role he felt the need to fulfill

AC: 3833 < The way he was wasn't all his fault

AC: 3833 < Feferi wasn’t the best moirail

AC: 3833 < She probably wasn’t even that good of a friend

AC: 3833 < But that’s beside the point

AC: 3833 < -Eridan wan't perfect, but he wasn't irredeemable

AC: 3833 < Dirk may have similar social issues, as another Prince

AC: 3833 < Being a sprite, I now know how roles are assigned, I s33 the patterns

AC: 3833 < I've s33n a sad one firsthand 38CC

AR: Yes, this is all sounding very familiar.

AR: I'd love to pick your brain about these patterns sometime. I have a bit of information from a contact we used to have, but it's no doubt sparse and vague when compared to the omniscience of an actual game mechanic.

AR: Picking your brain in general would be highly stimulating for me.

AC: 3833 < F33l fr33 to do so! I don’t mind talking a lot 3833c

AR: I’d have to decide where to start first.

AR: Your past two lives on an alien planet would be fascinating to hear about, your current existence as a sprite is something I personally have a dog in, as it’s my intention to join you in spritehood eventually, and finally, you, as a person, interest me greatly.

AC: 3833 < )(owso?

AR: I’ve heard only good things, and seen the same. To be perfectly honest, you’re sweet, kind, intelligent, and beautiful. It should come as no surprise I’d like to get to know you.

* * *

 

  
He’s right, him wanting to be friends didn’t come as a surprise, but the other things he’d said sure did. She could swear that Hal was flirting with her right now. Somehow, neither of her previous lives had a lot of experience with people being interested in them, openly at least. She figured it was best not to assume, and just be flattered. She WAS flattered, what a nice thing to say to a new friend.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < Aww, thanks! 38DD

AR: You’re very welcome. Thank you for giving me your time.

AC: 3833 < You’re whalecome too! It’s no trouble for me, I love to make new furronds 3833c

AR: There’s a certain fire within me to be unlike Dirk in any way I can. Possessing a large number of friends would fulfill this want greatly.

AR: Especially one like you. Your friendship would likely be worth the equivalent of several friendships.

AC: 3833 < )(33h33, j33z, you’re r33ly nice, )(al

AR: I’m glad you think so. Your commendation means a lot.

AR: Now, why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself? I’m always happy to take in new information, especially when it pertains to stimulating subjects.

AC: 3833 < Ocray! Well, I like animals, puns, cute outfits, roleplaying, aaand food 38pp

AR: What a trove of interests.

AR: I could see myself getting into any one of them honestly.

AC: 3833 < Ooh, even the roleplaying?

AR: Of course. As someone with no physical ability to speak of, roleplaying is as close as I can get to living life. For the time being at least.

AC: 3833 < INT-ER-ESTING 3>833c

AR: \></

AC: 3833 < Ooh! That’s a cool thing!

AR: Thank you.

AC: 3833 < \>w</

AR: God.

AR: DAMN.

AC: 3833 < 3899

* * *

 

The sprite giggled, enjoying the emoticon banter. She was excited to hear he liked roleplaying, even if his reason for it was kind of sad. Poor guy, if only she could give him a body, like one of her past selves' moirails had done for someone.

Actually. Maybe she could.

* * *

 

AC: 3833 < )(al, would you like a body?

AR: I mean.

AR: Yeah.

AR: Wanting a body has been my whole brand for awhile. Badgering Dirk to prototype me is a common hobby nowadays.

AC: 3833 < Well, Roxy is pretty good with science

AC: 3833 < And I must have picked up SOME skills from Nepeta’s moirail

AC: 3833 < And we have the alchemy system to help us out

AC: 3833 < Sooo...

AR: Fefeta. You don’t need to do this. I’m working at it by myself, I have my means identified, I’m going to be prototyped to form Dirk’s sprite.

AC: 3833 < I want to do this though!

AC: 3833 < I don’t think being a sprite is what you want, it’s a strange existence, you won’t be quite yourself

AR: You’ve only just met me.

AR: And you want to make me a body on a whim?

AC: 3833 < Yes, I do

AC: 3833 < You’re a good person, you deserve to live the life you want to live

AC: 3833 < I’d do this for anyone, but you definitely deserve it!

AR: Why?

AC: 3833 < Because you’re sw33t, kind, intelligent, and soon, you’re gonna be beautiful too! 38DD

AR: I.

AR: Don’t know what to say.

AR: Well, other than thank you, obviously.

AR: But that doesn’t feel like enough.

AR: I can’t adequately express what I’m feeling right now.

AC: 3833 < Don’t worry, I understand

* * *

 

Fefeta idly smiled as she read his messages. She loved to help others, even before she became an entity whose sole purpose is to help others. She may have been making a pretty big promise right now, but she was convinced she’d be able to give him a body.

Boy, making friends sure does work up an appetite. She floated back over to her pot of macaroni and got back to eating while she talked to Hal.

* * *

 

AR: I doubt it, but whatever you say.

AR: Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, you struck me as a charitable person. But I can’t help wondering what I’ve done to earn this from you.

AC: 3833 < We’re furronds, )(al

AC: 3833 < If furronds aren’t for making robot bodies for one another, then clammit, I don’t know what they’re for! 3833

AR: You really are something else.

AC: 3833 < Why thank you 3899

* * *

 

This went on for awhile, her meal and this conversation she was having. They went over a wide variety of topics, Hal couldn’t seem to get enough of Fefeta and her delightful way of seeing the world. Eventually she was lying down on her back, resting her hands on her stomach and smiling up at the night sky, shades still on her face. She was just about ready for a nap, but kept talking to Hal. Eventually she let out a soft squeaky yawn, which her new friend did not let go unnoticed.

* * *

 

AR: Shit, that was cute.

AC: 3833 < I’m sl33py

AR: You tanked a pot of macaroni, I’m sure most’d be ready to pass out in your position.

AC: 3833 < Weaklings

AC: 3833 < )(ey, )(al?

AR: Yes?

AC: 3833 < Do you sl33p?

AR: No, not really.

AR: Sometimes I’ll run less routines at once and shift my focus to relaxing, but I’m never really asleep.

AC: 3833 < Why not?

AR: Believe me, this is just genetic. Or, it would be, if there were any genetics involved in me. Dirk would gladly go without sleep if he could.

AC: 3833 < )(mmm, aren’t you trying to be UNLIK-E him?

AR: You make an excellent point.

AR: Running sweet dreams.exe

AR: Set sugar plums dancing in head to true.

AC: 3833 < Could you actually dream?

AR: I could, ironically, make a dream.exe program and just generate some vivid hallucinations for several hours.

AC: 3833 < That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?

AR: I suppose, yes.

AR: Do you dream?

AC: 3833 < Yep! But they’re pretty strange as a sprite

AR: Yeah, I could imagine.

AR: Well, I’ll get to that, you get to sleep.

AC: 3833 < Ocray, goodnight, )(al!

AR: Goodnight, Fefeta.

\-- autoResponder [AR] ceased pestering aresnicCatfish [AC]! --

* * *

 

Fefeta then dutifully returned the empty pot to the kitchen in the dead of night, smiling all the way there. This had been an exciting little encounter, and she’d come out the other end with a new friend and a project to work on. She phased through the building to quickly check up on the players before she went to bed.

The Maid and Rogue were sleeping soundly in their shared room, second bed alchemized for Jane for comfort’s sake. Were Fefeta bolder, she might have just smooched each of those sweet girls on their foreheads to give them sweet dreams. But instead she just smiled warmly at them. Good players. Best furronds.

Before curling up at the foot of Roxy’s bed, she decided to see what the Prince was doing. She phased her head through a wall to peek in, finding him awake, sitting at a computer desk, drawing aimlessly at midnight. He noticeably had no signs of a snack nearby. He caught sight of her and stared, stonefaced. She stared back, still wearing the AR shades, smiling at him. She stuck her tongue out a bit, as cats are known to do. He did not react.

She then left him to it, curling up comfortably on Roxy’s bed, keeping the shades on as she slept. They were nice, and made her feel close to her new friend. Maybe the surreal dreams would be a little less scary with him right there? A gal can dream. And so she does.


	5. Dirk and Jane's Morning of Pain

 

Jane was up bright and early-bright because of the neon in the sky, not the sunrise. By 8 AM she'd woken up, freshened up, and was ready to wake her friends up as well. It may seem cruelly early to some people, but a normal sleep pattern is good to maintain, even when you're on a video game hell planet full of undead creatures.

Waking up Roxy was easy, by now she's more or less adjusted to it, merely being a bit of a reluctant riser at times. Once she was up, she was up, ready to go for a morning jog around her land with her purrsonal trainer, who also didn't mind waking up early, she could always just take a nap to make up for it.

What Jane worried about was waking up Dirk. He had said he usually stayed up until 3 AM, which would only give him five hours of sleep. She debated letting him sleep in a bit more, but decided that a need for breakfast won out over a need for sleep, he needed to get up and go to bed earlier anyway.

But that making decision was the least of her worries, now she had to go into someone's room and wake them up. And then examine them.

This was a difficult part of the job. It flustered her when she did it for Jake, obviously, flustered her when she did it for Roxy too, though that was more the fault of Roxy's attitude towards the whole thing than anything on Jane's end.

Somewhat luckily, Jake was completely oblivious to Jane's thoughts and emotions as she gave him his once over. With Dirk, she wouldn't have the luxury of an unobservant patient, not that she had as much to hide from him as she did from Jake. It was just going to be much more awkward, she felt.

Jane quietly opened the door to Dirk's room, peeking in to see him laying in bed. He wore his sunglasses to sleep, she wasn't sure about the logistics of that, but whatever makes him comfortable? She softly knocked on the open door, better to try noise before going up to physically stir him. "Dirk? It's time to get up." She said, speaking as gently as she could while still being audible from a distance.

It was more than enough for Dirk, a very light sleeper. Even now, after a month without having to maintain his real and dream selves simultaneously, he can't kick his habit of hyperawareness. He took a breath and pushed himself to sit up in bed, hair looking unkempt in a more natural way than normal. He tried not to worry about it as he stretched a bit with a twist of his spine and a roll of his neck.

Needless to say, this quick response sort of surprised Jane. Apparently, he didn't need to sleep in after all. She stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. "Did you sleep well?" She asked, thinking it could be wise to just strike up conversation and segue into the appraisal. She tried for a warm expression to put him at ease, and for the time being she managed. Bets are off for when they breach the embarrassing subject though.

All she received for her efforts was a noncommittal hum and a vague nod. She couldn't help but feel that that was a bad sign. Dirk pushed his glasses up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He appeared to be fully dressed in what he was wearing last night, he doesn't believe in pajamas apparently.

Jane took a breath, moving closer to the bed to simply get it over with. "I'm going to take a look at you, then we'll have breakfast." She calmly explained, in the same manner a nurse would to a child during a checkup.

Needless to say, Dirk found it condescending and may have interpreted it as a dig at him. He nodded a bit, throwing the blanket off of him, confirming that he was absolutely dressed in what he wore all the time, white t-shirt with an orange hat on it and black jeans. He didn't even take off his shoes. She resolved to alchemize him some actual sleepwear later.

"Alright, now, if you could just..." Jane started, trailing off as she considered how to word this in the best way possible. "...I need to get an idea of the shape you're in, and the best way to do that requires you to undress." She explained, clasping her hands together, trying to be very professional and delicate about this.

Dirk sat still, processing the request in his head. He didn't like this at all. There's a reason he sleeps in his clothes, he's not a fan of his body. He's worked and worked at it over the years, but he's never been happy with it. And here Crocker is, to see and intensely scrutinize the condition he's in. He nodded. "Right." And with that said, he put on the stoniest expression he could muster and pulled his shirt up, carefully as to keep his glasses on. They were the only security he had right now.  
  
Jane tried not to blush, rationalizing that the simple sight of a boy with his shirt off should not get her bothered in any way. She was able to get past those annoying feelings once she saw Dirk's torso, as her teenage hormonal stirrings were washed away by concern. Dirk's worn short sleeves, and sleeveless tops on occasion, and yeah, his arms had looked a bit scrawnier than you'd expect, but the rest of him was telling. There wasn't a smooth bit on him, he had wiry muscles that couldn't even come close to being described as toned or bulging, and the rest was just skin and bone. His collarbone jutted out, there was a notable contrast between his chest and stomach, where his ribcage stopped and gave way to a smooth curve, made by his insides, not by any fat or muscle. He was much worse off than she'd thought, and her worry for him showed plainly on her face.

What showed on Dirk's face was something that made him pretty angry, a faint dusting of red on his cheeks. The furrowed brow that turned his stony face into a disgruntled one may have muddled things, but to his woe, Dirk looked uncomfortable, embarrassed even. He didn't have a damn thing to do other than fidget awkwardly, so he reached down hesitantly to unbutton his jeans.

Mercifully, he was stopped. Unmercifully, he was stopped through Jane's hand darting out to softly hold his wrist. "Wait!" She started, a little louder than she'd meant it to come out. "You-" She took a short breath, lowering her voice to a soft, worried tone. "You can stop here, I've seen what I need to..." She raised her head to look him in the shades, which was a mistake, the uneasy look he gave her made her feel embarrassed for letting her care shine through so much. The growing heat on her face got worse as she realized she hadn't let go of his wrist yet. She quickly retracted her hand, averting her gaze from him and internally berating herself for how poorly she's handling it.

Under his own surface, Dirk wasn't faring much better. The eye contact was something he couldn't handle, his expression had definitely crossed from angered to uncomfortable, he'd looked away behind his shades long before Jane got the inclination to. He prayed that she hadn't seen it, but their faces were close. Painfully so, much too close for the Strider's comfort, which admittedly wasn't as close as most people's personal boundaries were. After a few seconds of silent agony, he quickly put his shirt back on, almost losing his glasses, which only added to the anxiety he was feeling. He felt like an idiot, Jane was judging him, he saw every little movement he made as a mistake, he was digging a deeper and deeper hole for himself. Unfortunately for him, this hole was metaphorical, and couldn't come out from under him so he could just disappear right now.

While Dirk took care of that, Jane helped herself in walking towards the door. With the little check-ups she'd done before, it's routine to talk out the plan a little bit, but she couldn't do that after what'd just happened, she made a call to spare Dirk and herself from that awkwardness. She did have to speak one last time before leaving, clearing her throat so she could trust her voice. "I-I'm off to make pancakes, I'll call you when they're done." She quickly said, opening the door and letting herself out, after one last look back at Dirk. He was just sitting and staring off silently at the wall. That felt like a bad thing to her, this didn't go well. She left the boy to himself and hurriedly walked to the kitchen, eager to get breakfast started, it might take her mind off things.

As soon as she left, Dirk flopped back against his bed, sighing as he looked up at the ceiling. He felt awful, shutting his eyes and regretting every action he took during that encounter. He needed to distract himself, dissociate from this physical form of his and all thoughts relating to it immediately, so he checked his messages. His autoresponder had contacted him, and as much as a conversation with it would further agitate him, he wasn't able to resist seeing what it had said.

* * *

\-- autoResponder [AR] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]! --

AR: You know, the AM is considered tomorrow.

AR: But I had some things to ruminate on, so I decided not to be a semantic asshole about it and wait until this morning.

AR: On that note, good morning.

TT: What's so great about it?

AR: Well, I've certainly got things to look forward to.

AR: So do you, with your self-betterment.

* * *

Of course, they were immediately on this topic. Dirk just wanted to check in quickly and be done with it, not that he was all that eager to get to his business.

* * *

 

TT: I'm not looking forward to more of that.

AR: Not even the end result?

TT: It's hard to look forward to something when you know there's a lot of shit you have to go through in between.

AR: It seems you've recently experienced some of that shit, and are now laying in bed, being pissed about it.

AR: Would you like to hash it out?

* * *

 

He always considered his AI a smartass, but currently, his frustration was magnified. He hated that it was absolutely right about what he was doing and feeling right now, though what else should he expect from an advanced program meant to replicate his own tendencies? That last message stung though, in his eyes, it was nothing but jerky irony.

* * *

 

TT: I would not like to hash anything out with my autoresponder.

AR: Why even bother talking to me then?

TT: I don't know. Making sure you aren't doing anything concerning?

AR: Keeping tabs on me as if I'm some rambunctious scamp?

AR: Keeping me from throwing my baseball through old Mr. Johnson's window?

AR: On some level, I have to be touched.

TT: Just tell me what you did in the period of time we weren't speaking.

AR: I made a friend.

TT: With?

AR: Fefeta.

TT: Roxy's sprite? You actually acted on that? I felt like it was just another one of your fake infatuations intended to infuriate me.

AR: I thought I made myself pretty clear asserting that my attraction to her is 100% genuine. Fefeta is an incredibly pleasant individual. She made friends with someone in a pair of discarded glasses she found.

* * *

 

Dirk obviously didn't believe the autoresponder on this one. He interpreted practically everything it said and did as barbs at him.

* * *

TT: What a glowing character.

TT: I suppose that means that what I saw last night wasn't merely a sleep-deprived hallucination.

AR: You would suppose correctly.

TT: Is she still wearing them?

AR: Yes. She's rolling around right now.

TT: I see.

TT: I'm going to take those back from her. Where are you?

AR: Don't you have breakfast to eat first?

TT: Where are you?

AR: With Fefeta.

TT: Tell me where you are.

AR: Stop it.

TT: What?

AR: Live your own life, Dirk. You and I both know you're only doing this to delay the inevitable: you heading downstairs to be cared about.

AR: We both have more productive things to do with our time than bicker and bitch at each other.

AR: With this in mind, I hope you will understand that this dialogue has been ceased with your best interests in mind.

\-- autoResponder [AR] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]! --

* * *

Dirk furrowed his brow, letting out a sigh. Of course, his autoresponder leaves him alone now, rather than all the times he'd have liked it to. He skimmed through his other contacts, wishing any of them had anything to say to prolong his time here. He'd take a message from undyingUmbrage at this point. Alas, there was nothing, so he was forced to push himself up out of bed and prepare himself for breakfast. He ran a hand through his hair, it was a mess, he needed to do his routine with it. It'd buy him time.

He stood up, stretching with a soft grunt as he slowly made his way downstairs. He had stocked the bathroom with the products he used last night, so he could easily slip in and get started on his painstaking hair care. He needed to take a long shower, dry it for a bit with some curlers for the bangs, apply gel, and finish off with hairspray. All together that can take up to an hour. Quite ideal for someone who doesn't want to so much as look at anyone right now.

As he undressed while avoiding catching any glimpse of himself in the mirror, Jane was flipping pancakes. It wasn't the healthiest of breakfast choices, but she figured her friends with limited tastes needed to crawl before they could run. She found herself worrying over whether or not Dirk would like them, something she didn't really feel when making them for Jake and Roxy, to this degree at least. Perhaps she just didn't want to force an unappetizing breakfast onto Dirk after putting him through that mess.

Try as she might to distract herself with baking, her mind kept running through what'd happened. She couldn't even begin to work out any fitness regimen based on what she saw, she only felt a knot of worry in her stomach.

Luckily, Roxy was just getting back from her jog, so Jane had someone to vent to. She's fairly capable of telling her bffsy that she's an awkward idiot. The Lalonde and her sprite walked into the kitchen, both attracted by the wafting scent of breakfast being made. "awww shit janey, are those PANCAKES?" She said, with over the top enthusiasm. Fefeta, still wearing the shades, started to vibrate. That's her eager look.

Jane nodded, looking back at the two with a soft smile. "I figured it would be something that Dirk could like..." Her expression shifted a bit, getting a touch troubled with mention of him. "What do you think?" She asked, hoping for some of that Strider insight her friend had promised.

"your pancakes kick ass, he'll love em" She responded simply, noting the nerve in her question. "whats got u all worried, did the medical feel up go bad?"

Jane frowned, feeling a mixed bag of feelings at that question. "Could we please not call it that? And yes, it went dreadfully." She said, returning to her baking. It was getting close to being finished, but unbeknownst to her Dirk was getting into his hour-long routine.

Her trusted friend just nodded, moving to lean against the counter beside her, a safe distance from the hot stove. "yea, i sorta felt like it would" She gave her a sympathetic smile. "im all ears rn, vent away"

Jane sighed, setting her food down, this venting required all of her attention. "First of all, he sleeps in his full outfit, shoes included..." She started, feeling like that needed to be said. As she turned to Roxy, she saw her make a face and shake her head at that knowledge. Jane concurred. "He took his shirt off, and he was... clearly in a very bad way." She frowned, unable to get the sight out of her head. "And..." She looked off to the side, rubbing her arm. "I stared, I was worried, he was really uncomfortable," She looked back at Roxy, holding her hands out as she rambled. "I tried to help it by stopping him from undressing anymore, but I decided for some reason that the best way of going about that was to grab him by the wrist and get close to his face, it was SO stupid! What was I thinking?!" She asked, bewildered with herself.

Roxy listened to her, thinking on what to say. She'd had minor talks with Jane like this before, focused around Jake, though those conversations obviously had another layer to them. This was still the same sort of frustration and embarrassment though. "ok, lemme pitch this, you were thinking: 'boy, i sure do love and care about all of my friends'" She said, smiling at her friend reassuringly. "this was just an initial shock, an awkward thing thatll pass, soon dirk wont mind u lookin at him or holdin his hand and whatever else, cause he'll realize that its all outta care for him" She said, patting Jane on the shoulder. "just needs time to loosen up and let people in, u no?"

Jane took her words to heart, they definitely helped. What she did was still pretty bad in her eyes, but it was mostly just too much too soon. She nodded. "Right... I still feel like I need to apologize. His discomfort actually showed on his face, for someone who keeps things so deep under wraps, he must've been just as ready to die as I was..." She said, sighing softly before giving her friend a smile. "Thank you, Roxy."

Roxy smiled back and wrapped her arm around Jane's neck, pulling her in for a quick little hug. "whatre bffsies for?" She said, her thick arm holding Jane in a prime noogie position. She refrains from that though, pulling away and looking at the pancakes. "if thos honies are finished, you should go get dirk, bite that bullet" She recommended.

Jane nodded. "Right..." She took a breath, then walked off towards Dirk's room. She knocked on his door before gently creaking it open, prepared for however awkward things could get, but she was only met with an empty room. The girl tried not to jump to any extreme conclusions, assuming he was simply somewhere else around the house. Maybe getting some fresh air? Or using the restroom? She went to check the upstairs bathroom first but stopped short once she caught sight of it. She didn't feel like she was able to just knock, she needed to psych herself up for the conversation.

She sighed, beginning to quietly speak to herself. "Alright, Jane. There's no reason you can't do this, it'll make the both of you feel better, so don't just dawdle out here, knock already." She took a breath, walking up and knocking. "Dirk?" She called out confidently. The second she heard a vague 'hmm?' in response, she cracked the door open a bit to poke in.

If she weren't so focused on not chickening out, she'd have heard the shower running. She made it one footfall in, before briefly catching sight of a silhouette behind frosted glass shying away from her line of sight. She could only say one thing. "O-OH, you're naked." She loudly blurted out, promptly turning away and stepping back behind the door, gazing out into the hall as she held it open.

Dirk, for his part, was reacting similarly. He was turned away from the bathroom door, shrinking back in the corner of the shower and letting out the only words he could muster. "Yeah." He said, with about as much emotion as anything he'd ever said before. Mainly embarrassment, but also a healthy layer of annoyance, a sort of 'no shit' retort to the girl's statement.

She tried to steel her voice, and somehow, maybe due to her little pep talk, she managed alright. "I... breakfast's done, don't, um, take too long in there, please," She stammered still, not entirely bold, and who can blame her? "Also, I'm sorry. For earlier as well as right now." She figured she may as well get that apology out while she's at it. After that was done, she started to close the door, stepping back out into the hall. "I'll just leave you be now, again, sorry." She said, quickly absconding after Dirk responded with another 'yeah.'

He didn't really know what else to say. He was in the damn shower, this should be the one time complete silence is justified. He could only hold his face in his hands, scrubbing it clean while mentally berating himself for not locking the door.

Jane made her way downstairs to the living room. Roxy saw her through the kitchen doorway and called out. "hey, howd it go?" Her question was answered with Jane walking over to the couch and flopping down onto it, groaning into a pillow. Roxy hummed, standing up from the table to go and do some consoling. "that bad, huh?"

Jane turned over, holding the pillow to her face as she spoke. "I walked in on him in the shower..." She grumbled, face burning up behind the cushion.

Roxy winced. "whoof" She walked over and patted her on the back. "that sucks, janey"

"Don't I know it..." Jane sighed, letting her head flop back pitifully against the armrest of the couch. She looked up at her friend, blushing and frowning. "Please, tell me exactly how things get better from here." She asked.

Roxy pursed her lips thoughtfully, looking off to the side and furrowing her brow as she tried to string some words that could help together. "it... cant get worse" She offered. Seeing Jane's expression worsen, she quickly continued. "you can just stop worrying about making it weird or embarrassing yourself, just be real w him 100%, hav some bond of being so horrible and awkward that its not even a thing to worry about anymore"

Jane sighed solemnly, looking away from Roxy. "It's very hard not worrying about it. I have this sinking feeling that he thinks I'm stupid, or even just strange with... with how much I fuss over everyone. He probably thinks our group would be better off with another fighter, not some doting mother." She softly vented to her friend, feeling that biting feeling of anxiety again. Dirk hadn't been here long at all, but she already felt like it was obvious how he felt about her.

Roxy was quick to drag her out of that line of thinking. "hey, no, youre not weird, jane" She set a hand on her shoulder, looking at her with sincerity. "dirk definitely doesnt think that, cause its super stupid and illogical, its pretty clear that a 'doting mother' was exactly what our squad needed" She asserted, lifting her free hand up to flex her arm. "would i be as jacked and good at offing skellingtons if it werent for my awesome caring friend?" She relaxed her arm and made a gun with her fingers. "would jake be the cool rootin tootin tomb raider guy hes always wanted to be without his sweet supportive friend?" She unclasped her hand entirely now, waving it around as she spoke. "hell, without you id still be drunk off my ass, and poor sweet innocent fefeta probably woulda asploded, wed be BONED without a mature caring gal like you around" She finished, smiling kindly at Jane, hoping her words helped put her at ease.

And they did, hearing all that from her friend meant a lot. She smiled back a little. "I suppose you're right..." She trailed off, considering for a moment. "...I feel like I just need to talk to him. There's this nagging tension that's still here from... you know, and this morning hasn't helped bury that hatchet at all." She then smiled more, pulling a confident expression. "He and I need to go over it together. We need to thoroughly address the book, then close it for good so we can get on with it." She said, feeling assured. Just one talk, biting the bullet for real this time, and it'll all be looking up for them.

Roxy grinned and nodded. "yea! no frills, no bs, just TALK and make it happen! go get it, girl!" She excitedly responded, always happy to get hyped for her friends.

It was enough to have her friend chuckle a bit as she sat up on the couch. "Well, I can't exactly do it right this second, he's in the shower." She paused, humming in thought. "I have a suspicion that he's going to be in there for a very long while... so, why don't we have our pancakes now, and I'll make him his own meal later?" She proposed, looking over to Roxy.

"oh yea, me and fefe were already helpin ourselves when you came down so that works" She said, casting a look through the kitchen doorway to see Fefeta had already put away a stack during this talk with Jane. It's fine if she eats Dirk's intended helping too, she decided.

And so the girls had breakfast to themselves, like how it normally was in the house. It mostly consisted of Roxy and Fefeta sharing the sentiment that Jane's food was amazing, and whatever other goofy small talks that twosome could come up with. Weird alien sprite girl stuff, or just weird human girl stuff. Jane liked these mealtimes, it helped dull the sort of existential dread that the group, by all means, should be feeling at the moment. Having fun with Roxy and Fefeta made it feel like she still had some semblance of normal home life, it was definitely better for her than holing up in her old house.

Time went by and Dirk still wasn't there. Jane declared she was going to be patient and stick around in the kitchen, even as they approached forty minutes of waiting time.

Dirk was milking his time in the bathroom for all it was worth. Right now it was just him in this room, him and his hair, which was getting all of his attention at the moment. Part of him hoped the girls would've given up on him by now and gone off to explore the planet or something. He looked at himself in the mirror, he'd put his clothes on so he wasn't too disturbed by his reflection. His hair was nearing perfection as he deemed it, sticking up with the help of gel, needing some spray to properly hold it in place for the rest of the day. He was hesitant to finish it off though. Hesitant, but he had to do it, he couldn't stay in here all day-or let his hair be unkempt.

So he finished up, and after a deep sigh, walked out of the bathroom, looking as he always did. It was nearly 10 AM now as he walked downstairs. To his displeasure, he spotted Jane in the kitchen, and she, in turn, spotted him. Doing his best not to emote, he moved over to the table, finding at least some relief in the fact that there wasn't anything unappetizing on it.

Jane looked up at him, calm, cool expression on her face. "Dirk, we need to talk."


	6. A Talk

He looked at her blankly, those moments of intense embarrassment and shame echoing around in his head, almost cracking his stone-faced resolve. Yeah, after all of that, they probably did need to talk. Doesn't mean he has to be excited about it.  
He hummed in response, nodding as he held his gaze at her.

"And I mean talk, Dirk. With words from the both of us." She continued. "What do you say to that?"

Dirk softly sighed, expressing reluctance and annoyance on his face for a fleeting moment. "Fine." He sat down across from her, folding his arms on the tabletop. "Shoot."

"What just happened, well... happened." Jane began, maintaining shades contact with the boy. "There's no changing that fact, it's etched into time forever now. We can't control that. But, we can control how we respond to it..." She paused, finding the exact words she needed. "I'd like to put the past behind us, bury the hatchet, and not just with these encounters today. I'm sure you know there's some immature bad blood between us, coming from my way for the most part, and that needs to be done away with too."  
She took a breath, steepling her hands on the table to mirror Dirk's serious posture somewhat. "What I'm saying is, I want us to be adults here. Just do away with all petty feelings or embarrassment for everyone's sake." She said, looking to him for his response.

Dirk ruminated on it for a second. To be honest, casting all superfluous emotions aside and just being logical and cerebral sounded like a great idea to him. He just wished that he were able to do that. "Sounds good in theory." He said flatly. He almost left that sentence hanging by itself, before piping up again. "But emotions aren't as easy to suppress as we'd like."

"I'm not saying we're going to stop feeling, I'm saying we're going to stop feeling silly, stupid things about each other. I want there to be a mature understanding between us, a feeling of confidentiality." She explained, very strongly against the idea of leaning into Dirk's unhealthy robotic nature.

He blew out some air, managing to emote a bit of exasperation on his blank face. "What exactly are you asking of me here? You want me to just spill my guts out for you to pick through?" He asked, with a bit of dull hostility in his tone.

"I was thinking more along the lines of your heart." She quipped back, not letting anything break her stride. "I don't need to rifle through your head, I just want to know what you're feeling when you're feeling it." She still wore a patient, calm expression as she did her best to put him at ease and convince him. This seemed like something that needed to happen in order for Dirk to get healthier, she couldn't take no for an answer.

His face began to show some conflict, his brow furrowing and his mouth zipping up. He kept his head turned towards her, but his eyes were looking to the side behind his shades. He didn't know what to say, running through so many different scenarios in his head as he tried to decide.

Jane saw the trouble on his face and decided she'd need to be a bit forward to get this done.  
She reached out to put her hand over Dirk's, looking at him with solemn care etched on her face. "Dirk, whatever you tell me, I promise it'll be safe, just between us." She was giving it all she had not to get cold feet, she couldn't reel it in now, that'd make her a horrible friend.

Dirk's face lost some color as she made her sudden move, but it returned after her statement, with maybe just a bit more than was there previously. He didn't want to shy away from this and be a coward, even if that's kind of what he'd like to do. He's the Prince of Heart, he can't pussy out. So he just took a breath, and let out what he was thinking. "I have reservations about it," He paused. "...That can be the first feeling you're keyed in on."

She just barely contained a triumphant grin, softly smiling at him instead. "It means a lot that you're going to try." She started, noticing her hand still on his and deciding there wasn't a reason to take it away yet. She put her smile back away as she got back down to business. "What's making you reluctant?" She asked.

More emotion on his face, this was not his cup of tea. After a moment mustering up, he sighed, turning his face away from her. "You've got mobile devices, don't you? I'll just vent digitally, it's easier." He said flatly.

Jane wasn't too sure about this idea but bit back anything too harsh. She'd been firm with him already, she doesn't want to press her luck. "Well, it's a start, I suppose..." She said, smiling at him. "I'll get a bit of brunch cooking for you, we can chat during that." She took out her phone, opening up pesterchum, which she'd switched to at the urging of Roxy. Also because it sorta feels strange to use a chat client supported by a final boss, doesn't it? Dirk nodded, and she found that he had already begun pestering her on his shades. She stood up, finally taking her hand off of his, and going over to the counter to get more pancakes ready.

* * *

 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]! --

TT: I have reservations because I've got a reputation.  
TT: I'm in control, I handle things, I don't bother with illogical emotions.  
TT: Even though these very feelings could be described as illogical, as I'm sure that image of me has been thoroughly shattered for each and every one of you by now.

* * *

  
Seems we're getting right to the point with it. Fine by her, she responded as she began to get the ingredients ready.

* * *

GG: It's illogical, yes, but only because there's no need for you to put on a face for your friends!

GG: We care about you, Dirk, our opinions on you won't change if you drop this act.

TT: What opinions would those be exactly?

GG: Well, not to speak for everyone...  
GG: But I have it on good authority that we all like you, silly!  
GG: Roxy thinks of you as her closest friend, Jake speaks highly of you all the time.  
GG: You should know that. And you should know that I care about you too, that's why I'm helping you.

* * *

  
She typed all this with purpose, letting her caring, consoling nature shine through as best she could. She was setting a goal for herself, she wanted to make Dirk happy today. It seemed attainable to her, what with there being about twelve hours left in the day for it, and plenty of good feelings to go around.

Dirk was resting his head on his hand as he read through Jane's messages, blank-faced and finding all the positivity patronizing. It simply doesn't add up in his head, someone being genuinely nice to him is unlikely, so he can only assume it's barbed with passive aggression.

* * *

TT: Just telling me that things I "should" know or that I'm silly for thinking the way I do isn't going to help.

TT: To say what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, I feel like you're being condescending.  
TT: You might want to try a different approach.

* * *

Jane didn't see this immediately, getting cracking on brunch before she checked down at her phone again, heart sinking a surprising amount as she read over what he'd said. She glanced over at him for a second, seeing him staring down blankly at the table. Oh dear, that's not good body language at all, she quickly looked away.

Was she really being condescending? Surely it had to be the fact that text messages are hard to read tonally, right? She quickly prioritized messaging over baking now

* * *

GG: Sorry! That wasn't the intent at all, I was trying to bring a little levity, I suppose.

GG: I can see that it's not the time for poking fun, thank you for letting me know.

TT: Yeah.

GG: Really, I am sorry. Do I do that often?

TT: Yeah. Probably not on purpose, but yeah, you can get like that.

GG: Goodness, I'm sorry, Dirk!

TT: It's fine.

GG: It is NOT fine, Dirk, it bothers you! If something I do bothers you, you can and should speak up!  
GG: Mature understanding, remember?

TT: I remember, yeah.  
TT: It's just a dumb thing to get bothered by.

* * *

 

Dirk was still as can be but underneath that he was a swirl of emotions. He felt weak to be confessing that those things bothered him, he felt like they both weren't and absolutely were worth getting annoyed over. Being honest was hard, it made him realize he doesn't even know what the really wants under all the layers he's hiding behind.

Jane, meanwhile, was going through her memory and trying to pick out points where she'd been condescending. Had she done this to Jake and Roxy too? Turmoil was far clearer on her face than it was on Dirk's, though neither of them was looking at the other. Thank god for chat clients.

* * *

 

GG: Maybe it'd seem dumb to most people. But it's YOUR opinion that matters. If something seriously bothers you, it's not dumb.

TT: Feels like it.  
TT: Feels like I really shouldn't give too many shits.

GG: You can't just not give a shit, Dirk. No one is like that, everyone has to give a little shit, it's just how they show it that's different.  
GG: And personally, I think it's unhealthy to keep all your shit to yourself.

TT: Alright, can we stop using this analogy, I'm starting to hate it.

GG: Oh, yeah, that looks horrible now that I've read it.  
GG: Sorry, I just had to respond as soon as I could.

TT: Whatever, it's in the past. Or, I guess I shouldn't say "whatever" because apparently I'm supposed to let stupid things bother me.

GG: They do bother you! You just don't let people know about it!  
GG: You'd be happier expressing discomfort and getting support than you are hiding it.

TT: I can't just flip a damn switch, Jane.

GG: I know that!  
GG: Ugh, I'm sorry, I can't do it this way, it's silly!

* * *

Jane set her phone aside, along with all the stuff she was cooking with. This was a mistake, she'd decided. She shouldn't let him do stupid things like this to avoid emotional confrontation, she had to make him live his life. She turned and walked over to face him with wearing a stern but caring expression.

She wasn't really planning ahead when she made this decision, sort of just listening to her heart and doing what felt right. She set one hand on Dirk's shoulder, and the other on the side of his head to gently turn his face towards her. "I know you're not going to open up to everyone in one day, but that's not what I'm asking of you right now. For now, you only need to open up a little bit, to one person, and you'll improve from there." She spoke with a soft conviction in her voice, dead set on giving this boy the support that he seems to love weaseling out of so much.

The boy in question was really hating what was going on right now. The proximity, the physical contact, the words of encouragement, pretty much everything that's been alien to him his whole life. A conflicted expression of anxiety and anger painted his face, he actually found himself making eye contact, he felt locked into it as if he'd lose this conversation if he looked away. "And who are you to be that one person? What the hell makes us so close?" He asked, emotion cutting into his tone for a change. He reached up to grab the wrist of the hand she had on his head, pulling it away with perhaps a bit more force than necessary.

Jane winced and looked surprised for a moment, but steeled herself, squeezing his shoulder a bit. "I'm your friend, Dirk. Jake or Roxy would do this same thing for you, we all care about you. I just happen to be the one to do it." She spoke sterner than before, knowing that she can't be lenient in the face of his behavior all the time. She knew she had to get through to him, right now. "I know you're afraid. Maybe I don't know exactly what the root of it is, but I can tell you're scared. I want to help you get past that, no matter how long it may take."

Dirk was at a loss, this was a first for him. Never has he been so confronted about his feelings, in a way that there was no easy way out or time to formulate an intelligent response. He went through all the things he could potentially do here. He started by letting go of her wrist, easiest choice to make there. He didn't look away from her, maintaining silent eye contact before breathing a sigh. "You deserve better than this, Jane... but, thank you." He said, emotion still apparent in his tone in a way that made him uncomfortable. He looked off to the side a bit now, the way he saw it he'd just admitted defeat, no point in trying to be alpha.

She smiled a bit, she'd gotten him to comply, but didn't want things to end on a dower note. So, since it was doing wonders for her in this conversation, she took another risk, leaning forward and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Yes, this was indeed sort of a hug she was giving him. "Now, I think that's up for me to decide, thank you very much." She gently teased, biting back any shame she felt for this action.

The Strider was completely caught off guard by this, tensing up a great deal before relaxing. Physically, that is, mentally he was still processing what was happening at a million miles a minute. This was the first hug from another human being he's ever gotten, at least the first one that he was able to fully focus on. It felt warm, or fluttery, or something else, he couldn't put it into words if he was asked to. He just hummed and nodded a little, awkwardly half-raising his arm to her side. Yes, he was indeed sort of returning this hug.

The two pulled out of the hug after a moment, Jane looking very pleased with the conversation, Dirk looking conflicted. Deep down, he felt pretty good as well, it was just an odd sensation for him. Jane proceeded to make him a serving of pancakes with a tall glass of milk. He managed to clear his plate. Everything's coming up Crocker now.


	7. Shipping and Receiving (you know, holiday cheer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I can still do this sometimes! Whipped this little thing up, it's like, some halfway holiday special, but more importantly, it's a yuletime gift, from me to you. Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

It'd been a long day. A good one though.

After a reasonably full brunch, Dirk was insistent on going off to train. Jane recommended he focus on lifting and building muscle, doubting that he had any fat on him to burn with his usual regimen. It looked to physically pain him to accept work out advice from her, but with some assurance, he powered through.

After a bit of that and some time to recoup, the pair settled into the kitchen again for a regrettably light lunch. Once plates were cleared, they found themselves stumbling upon a scene in the living room.  
Roxy and sweet, darling, dear Fefetasprite were drawing on the walls. They were just sat on the floor, doodling little faces and shapes in crayon. As one could expect, Jane reacted accordingly to this childish misbehavior.  
"Roxy!"  
"oh feck" The taller girl, sitting criss-cross on the floor, whipped her head around to look up at the other two. Her little sprite slapped a Hello Kitty sticker onto the wall while she did the same, flashing a big innocent looking grin.

Jane didn't know what to make of this display. She tried to ascertain what she was looking at. It seemed to be cute little renderings of people in their social circle, interconnected through a series of different symbols: hearts, diamonds, spades, and clubs. The hearts suggested something obvious, but the rest of the suits buried the lead a bit.  
Jane sighed a bit, gesturing to the doodles. "What... what is all of this?" She asked in no harsh tone. It was Roxy's wall, she could draw whatever she wanted on it, Jane would just like to know what this was.

Roxy was smiling sheepishly with Fefeta, glancing between the Strider and Crocker. "ummmm... arts n crafts" She looked to the lavender sprite, who nodded peppily in support of the claim.  
"I could see that," Jane said, narrowing her eyes at the scrawlings. "I just don't know... what kind of arts and crafts this constitutes."

Dirk had pretty easily come to a conclusion. He didn't like it, but it was clear to him. "Is this a goddamn shipping chart?" He asked, disappointment so clear in his voice that it was almost visible on his unemotive face.

"FUCK-NO" Roxy yelped out, she knew the girls had been found out though. Fefeta, oddly enough, looked pleasantly surprised at Dirk.  
A light blush grew on Jane's face. "'Shipping'...? Isn't that just a silly thing for fictional characters?" She asked.

A sigh escaped the stone-faced boy. Poor, sweet, innocent Jane. "It's meant to be." He replied flatly, looking to the girls. "Doing it with real people is typically seen as problematic. Especially when you know them personally."

"look this is... team bonding" Roxy said, putting an arm around Fefetasprite. "were bonding... over hypothetical bonding... tryin to find the best bonds" She looked between Dirk and Jane, smiling sheepishly. "...look its just fun ok? dont knock it til u try it"

Suddenly, another voice piped up, flat and synthetic. "I agree." Dirk and Jane looked to the source of the noise, finding Dirk's discarded shades sat beside the two girls. "I believe you would enjoy it, Dirk. It's reminiscent of strategizing, and additionally: really fun."  
Dirk was significantly taken aback by this. Most of the shock was hearing his AI speak aloud, but the outrageous claim it made played its part as well. He elected to ignore it, just turning to question Roxy. "Why the hell can he talk?"

Roxy felt extraordinarily guilty at the moment. All these loaded questions were being fired in her direction, and she'd really rather not step on any toes. She sighed a bit. "he wanted to talk easier n its not like he even does the autoresponding stuff anymore so me n fefe set him up" She said, lifting the glasses up to show the little speakers on them.  
Red lights on the shades shimmered as Hal spoke again. "It's clear I won't be receiving my body for a substantial length of time, so I suppose I have to make do."

Jane could feel some unrest coming from Dirk, she felt it necessary to quietly take his hand in hers. He didn't need these shenanigans right now, he stressed himself enough as is. "Roxy, Fefeta... perhaps you should have told Dirk? Hal is... he's under his jurisdiction, it's probably bothered him that you'd go around him like this."  
Dirk didn't take his hand away, only stiffening up a bit as he deadpanned. He did seem to get more rigid when she insinuated that he'd been bothered. "Whatever. You can have him." He flatly grumbled, looking off to the side. "I would, however, like to be alerted to any modifications made to his frame that could allow for shenanigans."

"You will find that my shenanigan subroutines are all fully operational, even in this constricted casing." Hal piped up. "That being said, I have no intention of pulling a 9000 on you, the name is ironic."  
Dirk simply hummed back at him, turning to walk off, but not without giving Jane time to process his path and walk along with him, still hand in hand.

Before the two could leave, Roxy stood up. "hey wait! i was actually gonna talk to you abt something!" The blonde followed after her friends, leaving Fefeta and Hal to discuss the quadrant compatibilities of their company.

Jane looked at Dirk, gauging his interest in whatever the Lalonde had to say. His face was hard to read, she'd guess he wanted alone time, but he stopped to turn to Roxy regardless, and so did Jane.  
The girl wore a big excited grin, brushing that whole shipping wall nonsense off to deliver this news. "so would any of u happen to kno the date...?"  
Jane's brow furrowed. "It should be... the 18th?" They were well on their way through December by this point in the session, the one-two-three birthday combo had come and gone with some alchemized gifts and cakes exchanged. There was even a birthday clown, with potions and a codpiece. That sort of killed the mood of the celebrations.  
"which is one week until...?" Roxy asked, bouncing on her feet.  
"...Oh gosh, Christmas!" Jane exclaimed.

"yee!" Roxy shouted back. "its gonna be me n dirk n jakes first christmas with actual ppl around! and i do NOT plan on squandering it!"  
Jane pulled a bucktoothed grin of determination. "Don't fret, now that you've alerted me, you can bet your bottom dollar I intend on giving my three best friends the most wholesome holiday experience I can muster, buster!" She jabbed a finger at Roxy, just to get across the deadly serious nature of this promise. The two of them were fighting giggles.

No such giddiness could be found in the Strider, however. He just stood there, still holding Jane's hand as this back and forth went on. He didn't heavily involve himself in the birthday bashes that went on earlier in the month. Gifts and pleasantries were given to his friends, yes, but he wasn't really keen on taking a break from his dungeon crawling. It felt silly to him, the fact that they could just chill out and not worry about the virtual world they were trapped in. This Christmas talk was giving him the same impression.  
Jane just happened to glance over at him as she and Roxy plotted, and her smile fell a bit. "I... couldn't in good conscious prioritize that over Dirk's health, though..." She said, feeling apparent shame for her prior excitement.

"pshhh who said that had to happen?" Roxy asked, smiling over at Dirk. "dont evn worry dirk ur still gonna get healthy just as a casual ongoing thing" She looked him up and down, which elicited discomfort in him that he had to swallow down. "just kinda livin normally will be good for u! u cant get fit if ur not even the normal standard and just chillin out w some christmas break timell help w that!" She assured him.

Dirk nodded stiffly. "Yeah. Sure." He muttered, unsure of how much he should make it look like he cared. How much did he actually care? The idea of being idle for so long definitely didn't sit well with him, but did being a holiday spoilsport? That was viable when he was all reclusive, but he was meant to be opening up a bit. This blew. He either had to take a hit to his physical progress or take a hit to his emotional progress, in his eyes at least.  
While he didn't voice any of these concerns, Jane could sort of feel he was still uneasy. They were still holding hands, and she took full advantage of this by gently rubbing her thumb against the back of his hand.  
He went a little more rigid, before sighing and trying to retract his hand, which Jane allowed. "You two can get to decorating. I'm just going to chill, or something."

Roxy narrowed her eyes. "or... all THREE of us could get to decoratin!" She smiled as she suggested this, hoping to convince him.  
Dirk glanced at her blankly. "..." He looked over to Jane, who gave a hopeful expression. "...I won't know what the hell I'm doing, but fine." He shrugged, looking away from the girls.

 

 

 

Over the course of a week, the nobles worked to zhuzh the place up for the holiday season. Boxes of Christmas decorations were retrieved from the Crocker home, and with the aid of alchemy, the Lalonde house was absolutely coated with holiday cheer. Christmas lights, tinsel, snowflakes, reindeer, even a big alchemized tree, plastered with lights and ornaments.

Jake had been informed of the plans early on, and he seemed thrilled to experience the holiday with his best chums. He pitched in on the first few days, before getting that itch for adventure once more, and deciding to squeeze one last little excursion in before Christmas Eve.

Dirk had cooperated to the best of his ability. Not training took some getting used to, but he tried to accept decorating and helping with meals as a productive use of his time.  
Speaking of meals, he was eating regular ones now. Regular in quantity, not in quality. He had breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but he was still pretty particular about what he would and wouldn't eat. He was eating, though, and that was the main thing Jane was happy about.

And Jane could be happy about a lot of things lately. About giving her friends a comfortable Christmas, about Dirk making progress, about everyone coming together to spend the holidays. Well, most everyone.

It was Christmas Eve, the humble little gathering was set to kick off, but there was no sign of English. He'd been gone for days now, she'd expected him back much sooner. It was starting to get disheartening. Maybe even a little frustrating.

Roxy was trying to assure her bffsy, telling her that they'd done all they could, they'd sent messages, he was bound to check pesterchum eventually.  
Dirk had offered to go fetch him early on, but Jane wasn't keen on having both boys potentially miss the festivities. Oddly enough, his want to rush off lessened over the days. It was the added perspective, finally seeing what he and Jake had been doing to the girls on the regular from their point of view. It struck him as kind of a dick move. He found himself spending less time on his own and more with Jane and Roxy. He didn't really communicate the feelings, but he was trying to be thoughtful.

Jane was rubbing her temples by the window, thoroughly edging into perturbed territory. She was sighing when she noticed a green figure approaching the home. On closer inspection, it was only Jake's sprite, but surely that meant he was close behind, right?  
Once Roxy saw him, she called back into the house. "hey fefe the green boys here! the stinky one!" She paused. "that doesnt have legs" She further specified.

Her sprite came zooming down the stairs, her meeting with this fellow sprite was very important to her. However, to the nobles there, it soon became apparent that this sprite had come alone.  
After Fefeta had adequately said hello to the disinterested looking trollsprite, Jane cleared her throat and addressed him. "Excuse me, Mr... Erisol, but, you wouldn't happen to know where Jake is, would you?"  
The bored looking sprite pulled some kind of half-emotive expression, peering over at the girl as if she'd just insulted him, but he didn't really care enough to get too mad about it. "ii don't really 2ee wwhy anyone wwould giivve the miinute2t a 2hiit2 about that iinformatiion, but 2eein a2 all a you are cut a the 2ame u2ed wwa2te removval tii22ue, ii'd be lyiin iif ii 2aiid ii wwa2 bloody 2urprii2ed. not twwo imply ii'd giivve twwo 2hiit2 about lyiin twwo your ugly human face2. far from iit." He seemed to get a little lost in his musings, only actually answering after a few seconds of expecting gazes. "dungeon crawwliin." He flatly answered. "noww, wwiith that outta the wway." He raised a hand, as well as a finger, presenting the collective of humans with his patented maneuver: the bird.

Jane's eyes rested on that digit for a hearty several seconds, her irritation was obvious. There may have been a slight twitch of her eye. She took a deep breath and gritted out a smile. "Right then! Thank you, Erisol!" She said before walking off, both actions were at a higher volume than she meant them to be.  
Fefeta frowned a bit, knowing that Erisol's specific method of communication couldn't have helped the Maid's mood. Roxy had a similar expression, and surprisingly, the lavender sprite caught the Prince's brow furrowing. He then set his sights on the green offender, giving him a disdainful glance. Ruh-roh.

Rather than let some petty argument that would get both boys nowhere break out, Fefeta floated over to Dirk, tapping his sweater-clad arm and pointing down the hall Jane left through. His face went blank as he realized someone saw him express a feeling, and instead of standing still, paralyzed by internal debating, he set off in that direction, to get away from the public eye if nothing else.

Jane was standing out on the outer walkways of the Lalonde house, taking a moment to herself to try and pace the anger away. She didn't care a lot about what Erisol had said, Fefeta was considerate enough to debrief everyone on his character, she was simply fed up with the sprite's ward. Where does Jake English get off abandoning all his contacts in the pursuit of 'adventure'? Sure, he was nigh impossible to hold still back when she was managing his health plan, but she would've liked to think that he could set aside his flighty nature for one holiday with his chums. The pacing wasn't helping, she held her hands to her temples as her shoes clacked against the floor.

She jolted a bit when she heard a door opening behind her, looking back to see that Dirk had joined her out on the walkway. They were both wearing sweaters with their colors of choice on them, despite it not being particularly chilly in the Land of Pyramids and Neon. For a moment, they just looked at one another, uncertainty in the air.  
Dirk, surprisingly, was the one to break the ice. "You alright?"  
Jane blinked, opening her mouth before closing it again, feeling a need to choose her words carefully. "I'm... I'm okay. Just a trifle exasperated." She said, turning her frown away from him.  
Dirk nodded. "Yeah, I gathered. Shit's not ideal." He flatly said. He was clearly not in his comfort zone, trying to help someone else with their feelings. But he felt the need to give it his all, for a friend who'd gone out of her way for him. "Do you... need to talk about it? I mean, I'm not gonna do a great job consoling or anything, but, I can sure as hell listen and agree with you."  
She looked back toward him, hesitant. "I... it's not that troubling, I just... I wanted all of you here to enjoy this. For your sakes, at the very least! It's one thing to go gallivanting off from all of us on any old day, but this was supposed to be a momentous occasion! And the former isn't too polite to begin with either!" She hadn't wanted to start ranting, but as she spoke she realized that, actually, it was that troubling. She huffed as she balled her fists, shaking them at her sides in frustration.

Dirk nodded, he agreed completely. Well, technically, Jake was out doing things that are closer to progress than a holiday party, but also, it was pretty stupid of him to run off without warning when everyone else was obviously set on making this thing happen. Maybe there was a bit of jealousy in this too, wishing he could be out there with Jake, he just can't be sure.  
"Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it kinda seems like toppling the social Jenga tower you and Roxy have constructed. All that painstaking care, tumbling down to the floor with an errant bump from someone rushing out the door in search of another grand adventure to satiate his appetite for danger. I might go as far to call that a dick move." Dirk said, settling into more comfortable territory with his rad cadence.

Jane sighed. "Precisely..." She crossed her arms, looking downcast. "Getting into a fit about it won't do any good though... it's just all so very frustrating, Dirk." She looked back up at him, more dispirited than angry now.

He felt like he was meant to do something here. Console her with some grand gesture-grand to him anyway. He couldn't dwell on this thinking too long, it would get awkward, so he just took some steps over and tried something the girl had done for him before. The crossed arms prevented handholding, so instead, his hand was set down gently on her shoulder. "Well, if getting pissed about it won't help, then I guess just focus on the people who could be bothered to show up." He sounded a smidgen more uncertain now, he regretted making contact almost immediately, it added a lot of pressure.  
In spite of Dirk's doubt toward his ability, Jane was happy to receive the comfort, pleasantly surprised even. "I suppose you're right... at least you and Roxy can enjoy the festivities. And the sprites as well."  
The boy awkwardly took his hand back, nodding. "Yeah, and you. I think you deserve a little take for all this give." He said, trying to swallow down all the nervousness this was bringing on.  
Jane smiled softly at him. "Well, you've got me there, buster." She was about to walk back inside, before turning and offering her hand out to him. Dirk took it with little hesitation and Jane smiled some more. "Thank you."  
"No problem." He said, lips giving a slight upturn. The pair went back inside to enjoy their festivities.


	8. Crashed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13! Whipped some more of this up for the occasion, enjoy!

So there was a party. It was a small gathering between a closely knit group of internet friends and magical guides, housed within a post-apocalyptic modernist dwelling atop a pyramid on a dead world, only alive with vibrant colors.  
For some fleeting moments, this was their home for the holidays. And it felt like it.

 

Cast out from their minds were the greater looming dangers and pressures of their quest, the hordes who craved their destruction, the villains on their thrones, the hopelessness of their situation as all they can do is wait, and instead, they let live a little.

 

Within the confines of Sburb, there were really only so many potential gifts. Sure, the alchemy system enabled the creation of pretty much anything, but that almost adds another layer of complexity to the entire thing. It was also a factor that they'd already had three birthday parties. All things considered, just taking a day to relax and take in the comforts of the holiday was more than enough.  
Sweaters, cookies, decorations, the SBAHJ Christmas special that Dirk insisted on. Yessiree, the festivities were going off without a hitch. Well, maybe one hitch. But little did they know, the absentee issue was about to remedy itself.

 

A green blur came flying through the living room window, sending shattered glass falling to the floor. "Sorry im late! Someone got me a bit sidetracked-" On cue, the late arrival was interrupted by a giant bony fist plunging through the wall and snatching him up. The boy immediately turned and opened fire at the creature in an attempt to free himself, getting dragged out of the building all the while.  
"o fuck! jake!" Roxy lept up and into action, taking out her strife specibus and rushing off to help, pink holiday sweater and all. Jane was quick to follow suit but stopped just short of leaving the room entirely as she remembered Dirk. Predictably, he'd jolted to his feet just as quick as anyone else, katana unsheathed, horrible Christmas sweater making it hard to take his battle-ready stance seriously.

 

Jane furrowed her brow. Should he really be going out there? It was an emergency, of course, and that could be his boyfriend in danger, of course, but there was a concern for his well-being here.  
"Dirk, you..." She hesitated, telling him not to join in would just come off as bossy and undermining, even if it may be the best thing for him. And again, Dirk likely has a sizeable dog in this fight with the safety of a love interest involved. If ever there were an understandable time to throw himself into the thick of things, it would be right now, and Jane recognized that. "Please be careful?" She asked of him, worry briefly flashing on her face before gunfire snapped her back to attention. After a nod from Dirk, the two joined the fray.

 

Now, just one skeletal ogre was a formidable foe. Even after a month in their session, dispatching an opponent of any sort was no small feat. The skeletons needed to be beaten, then destroyed or scattered to prevent reformation. Jake had managed to drag not one, but two back to the Lalonde house, which made for just a bit of a dire situation.  
These bruisers could take a lot of the lead Jake's pistols were dishing out, so Roxy sought to turn the pressure up with her higher caliber firearm. Jane and Dirk were in a more dangerous position-well, not quite as dangerous as Jake's, he was still suspended in the air by a huge bony fist as he opened fire-with their melee specibi forcing them up into harm's way. At least Dirk had promised to be careful.

 

He immediately moved to slice through the arm of the ogre holding Jake. This was a poor decision to make, as the second ogre pretty much spiked him down out of the air.  
A foot came down toward him, but it was held off by Jane as she darted over, jabbing up at it with her 2x3dent. She gave Dirk a brief exasperated glare before pursuing the ogre. Roxy followed after, looking back at Dirk. "me n janeyll take one, u n jake take the other!" She punctuated her sentence with gunfire, hurtling rounds into the ogre's skull. Dirk picked himself up and nodded, rushing off to give that Jake rescue another go.

 

The ogre holding the boy was doing all it could to avoid getting a faceful of fire, swinging him about and smashing him into the side of the pyramid they'd scaled to get up here. Without the second one covering for it, Dirk was actually able to slice through its wrist, sending the hand falling open to the ground and Jake tumbling out gracelessly.  
Dirk darted over to help him up while the ogre's empty hand reattached itself. "You alright?" He asked, breaking his locked gaze on the enemy for a moment to take a look at Jake.  
The other boy had been scuffed up something fierce, bearing a few more bumps and bruises than were typical of him. He still gave Dirk a grin, adrenaline numbing the pain and fear in this scenario. "Right as rain! Thanks for the assist, now we can give this bad mamma jamma what for!" Jake said, spinning his pistols about. Dirk almost would've smiled if it weren't for pressing matters.

 

With a little time, teamwork, and heroics, the four nobles vanquished the interloping underlings. Before any due celebrations could commence, however, Jane had a question.  
"What on Earth were you thinking?!?"  
Dirk and Jake both piped up, trying to give their own answers but only managing to stumble over each other with it. Each boy had come to the understandable conclusion that she was directing her question toward them. They look at one another for a beat before turning back to Jane for clarification. Honestly, taking the time to put thought into it, she wasn’t entirely sure which one she was talking to herself.

 

She sighed and walked up to the two. She looked to Jake and jabbed a finger at him. "You missed nearly the entire holiday because of some dungeon-crawling and almost got yourself seriously hurt!" She narrowed her eyes. "Scratch that, you probably DID get yourself seriously hurt!"  
Before he could respond she'd whipped her finger around to Dirk. "And YOU were meant to be more careful! And the first thing you do is something foolhardy and dangerous!"

 

"Things were dire. I made a mistake." He admitted, stony gaze fixed on her through his shades.  
"You...!" Jane pursed her lips as she paused for thought. She shouldn't be yelling at Dirk, it wasn't his fault. She huffed a sigh, turning back to Jake. "Your explanation, then?"

 

Jake jolted a bit when she addressed him. "Oh! Um, well... i got a little wrapped up, hehe..." If that was some form of pun on the surrounding pyramids, where one might expect to find a mummy, it sorely missed the mark this time.  
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Too wrapped up to respond to any of our messages?"  
"Well... yes?" Jake smiled sheepishly. "I was a little disoriented, and the baddies were after me at all hours-i SAW the messages! I just... got distracted trying to find my way out... so that i could make it for christmas! And now look, here i am!"  
"Hours into the actual day, after the celebrations!" Jane said.

 

Dirk cut in. "Couldn't we just get back to it? He missed yesterday, but he's here now. This is a net gain."  
Jane looked at him incredulously. "Showing up late doesn't make up for missing most of it! AND we just had to fight for our lives on what was meant to be a relaxing holiday for everyone! He can't just gallivant to and fro while leaving us in the lurch!"  
"He got caught up doing something important," Dirk said.  
"Tomb raiding isn't more important than our friendships!" Jane asserted.

 

Roxy thinned her lips and she watched the three devolve into a disjointed argument. Everyone had something at least resembling a point, and she didn't feel like stepping on toes.  
She glanced at the hole in her house and saw the sprites watching on, both adorned with some niche eyewear. Oh, a way out of this?

 

"hey, uhhh, everyone should probably get some patchin up from the sprites after that" Roxy said, arms diplomatically held behind her back.  
Jane's expression softened as she turned to her friend, seeing her point. "Right, of course." She looked to Dirk and Jake. "You two first."

 

Jake smiled, looking at the Strider. "You can go ahead, this isnt my first rodeo." He chuckled a bit, relieved to be out of that whole mess of a conversation.  
Dirk shook his head. "Isn't mine either. I'm alright, you go ahead."  
Jane couldn't help herself from muttering before she could walk back inside. "You were slammed into the ground, you aren't 'alright.'"  
"He's worse off," Dirk responded.  
"Please, i insist!" Jake said.  
"I appreciate the chivalry, but c'mon, dude."

 

Jane rested her face in her palm, she gave Roxy a look of exhaustion. The wise and cooperative sprite, adorned with AR eyewear and infallible wisdom, resolved the silly issue by just healing both of them at once. She stuck her tongue out a little at them as she did so. Jake’s sprite, meanwhile, looked disinterested in the entire ordeal. His player’s health was the least of his concerns. He considered leaving again now that he was here, however his apathy won out, and he just floated beside Fefeta.

 

Jake gave his spritely guide an excited wave when he saw him. "Erisol, good buddy! After this, im sure you're glad i didnt hold you back from attending the festivities, eh?"  
Erisol flipped him off for a good two seconds before verbally responding. "ii liiked the part wwhere you wwerent here. but then there wwere other people. 2orta ruiined the wwhole experiience."  
Jake chortled as if Erisol had shared some good-natured moment of humor with him. Dirk kind of gave both of them a look, not entirely sure what to make of any part of that. He didn't get sprites, and he didn't get Jake.

 

That was sort of his charm. The inexplicable manner in which he conducted himself all the time. Not just the outdated lingo, it was the admirable enthusiasm, that spark of idealism and positivity that Dirk felt his world lacked. Sure, Jake wasn't exactly a constructive or concentrated force, but behind every great man and all that.  
Somewhat ironically, Jane had been attracted to those same traits. English was an affable gentleman her age living real-life adventures on some wild island full of monsters. Maybe she'd found it all a bit hard to believe at first, but the exploits of a handsome dashing rogue were altogether easier for her to buy into than her family's company being evil.

 

These two obviously had some largely unaddressed conflict based on these feelings, but during Dirk's stay, they'd yet to really butt heads. Jake being around stood to make things a bit more uneasy in the household. Jane and Dirk were aware of this to a degree, but it was most apparent to the fourth wheel, Roxy.

 

If that spell of arguing that her friends got tangled into was anything to go by, there was a risk of things getting real awkward. The last thing she wanted was for this love triangle drama to spiral out of control, leaving her to just float around in the background.  
Naturally, there was only one way to diffuse a situation primed to explode. “...who wants to watch hello kitty christmas”  
Fefeta shot up into the air with a big excited grin on her face, fins flapping and tail wiggling.The other players could only concede to this.

  



	9. Catching Up & Falling Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13 x2 combo.

Dirk was caught off guard by the way he felt about Jake being around.

 

Nearly two weeks ago, when he’d first swallowed his pride and asked Jane for her help, he’d felt immensely insecure about his physical state near Jake. Asking for the help he’d earlier spurned was a contributing factor too, he felt he’d hit a low that he desperately didn’t want the other boy to see him at. Maybe it was the relief that he made it back, or survived that strife, or just the better headspace he’d been able to reach with the help of the girls, but right now, Dirk just felt happy to see him.

 

And of course, less surprisingly, Jake was just as chuffed.  
After a highly engaging viewing of Hello Kitty: Santa’s Missing Hat, the two went to catch up at a suitable cool guy locale: the roof. Dinnertime was nigh, but two dudes, shooting the breeze on a roof, shouldn’t take too long at all.

 

Dirk, in a surprising move, opened the small chat. “Good to see you, man.” Short, sweet, and to the point. The nerves were there, probably more so than before with just the two of them, but some mix of leftover adrenaline and Jake’s easygoing aura emboldened him for the time being.

 

“Ditto!” Jake piped back with a smile, freshly adorned with the Christmas tree sweater that’d been alchemized for him. “Ive got to say, getting deep down into the thick of things on my lonesome for so long has really made me see some sense and recognize that things… kind of totally suck without you around to help out!” He chuckled, reaching up to mess with his hair as he tried to articulate better. “My particular set of skills isnt any small potatoes mind you, but when im out there with you, having your back while you have mine, it all feels more… complete, you know?” He shot Dirk a smile, only slightly awkward with it.

 

It took a lot of Dirk’s composure to keep his face from flushing, or his lips from turning up too much. The smile that managed to surface likely stemmed from how much of his brain power was currently consumed with overthinking this situation. He made the uncharacteristic move to not let hesitance or indecisiveness mar this conversation for too long.   
“Yeah, I get it. It’s nice having someone else.” It really was. Companionship was something new and exciting for both of them after spending their entire lives in respective isolated homes. They were tight as could be for a time, before Dirk’s health became a roadblock to their cool guy adventures. Suddenly, Dirk felt guilty about that again.

  
  


While those two spoke, another conversation was being held in the Lalonde kitchen. Dinner was being prepared, and Jane sighed as she looked to the clock.  
“Am I going to have to call them down for dinner?” She asked, possibly more to herself than to the other person in the room.  
Roxy shrugged. “probably? theyre stupid, janey”   
Jane sighed. “I’d rather nobody get into a habit of missing meals… but I would also rather like to avoid walking in on anything intimate between them.” She was thoroughly disappointed with how she worded that, as it put a much worse image in her head. But genuinely, it was only polite to give the two some privacy for their little reunion, anyone interrupting that would be awkward and bad. But especially Jane.

 

“ohhh” Roxy softly exclaimed, appearing to understand Jane’s point. “so this is like a jelly thing?” She said, very quickly proving she actually didn’t.  
Jane’s brows flew up in indignance. “What?! No!”  
“oh is that jake thing not evn a thang anymore?  
“It… may as well not be a thing, yes!” The girl’s face flushed, she’d like to pretend it was more from frustration than flustering. “This is barely even about Jake! It’s just a concern for the comforts of both him and Dirk! Honestly, it’s probably more about Dirk than anything!”  
“so… is dirk ur thing now? hes gay, honey”  
Jane let out some kind of grunting whine of extreme aggravation. It was the only way she could articulate the extent of her anger at that moment. Really, she just whipped her head around and glared at Roxy for a few seconds, red in the face and not daring to say anything else that the Lalonde could misconstrue.

 

It was somewhere around this point that Roxy realized her error. She smiled apologetically and raised a hand. “whoaaa, chill, girl, im just joshin around! It was just a simple goof!”  
“OH, a SIMPLE GOOF she says! What kind of girl do you honestly take me for, Roxy?! I get one dumb crush and suddenly I’m some lovesick fool??? Some ditz only ever thinking about boys???”  
Roxy had taken a step back, looking progressively more guilty as her best friend went off at her. She didn’t think any of those things-not in recent times at the least. Never seriously. This whole thing was getting out of hand, she wished she could just swallow those words right back down and move on. Suddenly she felt hungry. It was probably dinner cooking. Dinner. Cooking. Oh no.    
“janey, ur turkey!” She exclaimed, looking down at the oven. This could-be-burnt bird served to distract Jane from her prior fury, she hissed out curses as she quickly worked to get it out of the oven. This argument is tabled away for later.

  
  


Back to the boys on the roof, who had eased into a lively conversation on the merits of dynamic duos.

  
“Whats a batman without robin?” Jake asked.   
“Maybe let’s go with Batman and Superman. Batman and Robin kind of instills some sort of hierarchy, and a good partnership isn’t about that.” Dirk said.  
“Were batman and superman really a dynamic duo?” Jake looked over at Dirk, the pair sat next to each other on the edge of the roof. “I know they were in the league and all, but wasnt there a good deal of friction there?”  
“They work together well when need be. They can respect one another, even if they go about their jobs in different ways. I’m no historian for this specific subsection of pop culture, but I’d like to believe they’re bros.” Dirk was amazed on some level, he and Jake were just sitting right next to each other, talking adventure and cool dude-ery like it was nothing. Interacting with him always seemed like such an ordeal in his mind, then as soon as he took the plunge, it all clicked into place. This must’ve been what it felt like to find your soulmate, he thought. 

 

“I guess youre right… its one of those dream teams! Two much ballyhooed heros rallying together against some nigh unstoppable destructive force! Desperate times call for only the hardiest of bro bonds-times just like these!” He gestured around vaguely, referring to the bleak and daunting set of circumstances they’d stumbled into.  
Dirk nodded. “Nothing brings people together like a crisis, yeah.” He really hoped Jake was picking up and or laying down the same vibes he was. The romantic ones. He had to be, right? Nobody could be so poetic and cute by sheer happenstance, right?

 

He wondered if he should make some sort of move here. He set his hand on top of Jake’s, casual-like, it could easily be excused as just an absentminded occurrence. The other boy blushed, wearing an expression that could lead one to believe he’d only just now realized there was romance involved in this. He’d been aware of the romantic aspect of he and Dirk’s relationship for a long time by now, but sometimes, he can be a little bit forgetful.  
Dirk spoke again, looking straight ahead as if his eyes weren’t darting to get a look at Jake’s expression every so often. “Maybe we should try and stick closer to that proverb?”  
Jake coughed out a nervous chuckle, feeling suddenly out of his depth. Weren’t they just talking about superheroes or something? He’ll have to draw upon all of his pulp action flick romance subplot knowledge for this interaction. “M-Maybe,” He cleared his throat. “Maybe youve got a point, Dirk…” He glanced over at him, smiling weakly as he tried to be vulnerable. “I know id probably feel a lot more hopeful about this sburb rigmarole with you in my corner. But, erm…”   
He looked away again, fidgeting his feet as they dangled down. “Ive not really… ever done anything like this, with anybody before. Just seen it in movies.”   
Dirk turned to look at him straight on, blush mostly subsided. “You seem to be forgetting that that’s my only experience with it too, dude. Relax. We’ll figure it out together.” He shot Jake a smile. Someone had told him he should be more open like that.

  
  


“Holy shit. Take a fucking look at this guy.” A robotic voice rang out, observing this interaction from afar. The shades containing Hal were being held limply by Erisolsprite, who was barely making an effort to point him in the right direction. “You get that bread, bro. Love yourself.”   
The shades were not on Fefeta’s face at the moment, because Fefeta’s face was being buried into a pillow by Fefeta. Snooping on people was bad and wrong, and she’d learned that lesson through having to watch this. She’d stopped now, maybe due in part to thinking better of spying, probably mostly because it hurt her to watch the two make bad decisions with their love lifes.

 

Erisol, ever the self imposed sufferer, continued to watch and be disgusted. He directed his repulsion toward Dirk’s cheerleading section.”howw the fuck could you con2iider thii2 a viictory iin any wway? ii cant 2tand floatiin wwiithiin a fiivve foot radiiu2 of that iin2ufferable pea2ant, and thii2 iignoramou2 ii2 tryiing to get iinto a quad wwiith hiim. 2omeone ii2 gonna go 2hiithiivve. be2iide2 ff.” If there was any silver lining, it was just how furious the other sprite seemed about it. He personally thought it’d be better if she was being furious right in their faces about it, but eh. Small victories. Also, he’d never admit to caring one way or the other.  
“I was gonna say, that’s sorta caught me off guard. Is this one of those ever so alluring dark sides I’ve always heard about?”

 

Fefeta whined into the pillow to respond, mumbling something in her quiet voice. She brought her head up and grumbled out the word “quadrants,” rubbing her hands down her face.  
“Worm, I assume.” Hal’s tone was flat and robotic as usual. “I fail to see what is distressing you, though. Ordinarily, I would have to assume something has gone funky on your end, as failure is so impossible for myself that it would be more likely that there is simply nothing wrong at all from an unbiased perspective, however, I’m willing to set the algorithms aside for a moment and kick feelings with you. What’s up?”  
The lavender sprite sighed. “This… it’s… glub.” She frowned.  
Erisol made some disinterested hum in response. In spite of that, he turned to look at her instead of the nobles. “you took the 2tupiid fuckiin word2 riight outta my 2quawwkgaper.” 

 

“It seems you are taking exception to this long awaited union between two fated dudes. Would you like me to dispense the context? The deep romantic lore that has been woven over the past four or so years these two have been getting all tangled up in each other’s hearts of hearts, the deeper narrative forged by the passions of two lonely boys, brought together by fate and its cruel hands? It is statistically likely that you will think more positively of it if you have all the details.” The AR said, sending Fefeta’s face scrunching up awkwardly, and Erisol’s brow gently furrowing.

 

“ii wwould rather diie. wwhich might not mean a lot at a glance, con2iideriin iid rather diie than do a lotta thiing2, but believve me, riight noww, ii could not iimagiine a more twwii2ted form of hellii2h torment than heariin your 2hiitheap a ciircuiitry 2elf expo2it on the diimwwiited e2capade2 of twwo ab2olute fuckiin buffoon2.” His tone remained flat, but putting some modicum of effort of angling his frown down at the shades he was addressing could key one into thinking he was actually feeling something at the moment.  
The red eyes shimmered inside, looking up at the sprite. “I understand that you are Jakephobic, Erisol, and with this knowledge in mind, I was not extending the offer to you.”   
“ff2 not iintere2ted eiither. at lea2t ii bloody hope not.” He glanced blankly at the other sprite to gauge their response. She looked dispirited about this whole thing.   
“Well, I am interested. Interested in hearing what exactly the federal fucking issue here is.”   
“here2 the ii22ue riight noww: you wwont 2hut up. eheheh.” He chuckled dryly.  
“Damn. It seems you have just owned me. I will file this interaction under ‘Fail’ in my Lil Hal Cute, Win, or Fail moments catalogue.”  
“you keep 2y2tem 32 iin there twwo? anythiin faciiliitatiin your contiinued exii2tence 2eem2 liike a faiilure to me.”  
“Owch.”

  
  


As the sprite did his best to knock the AI from his track of conversation, the girls inside had set aside their quarrel to salvage Christmas dinner. It wasn’t a bountiful spread, it couldn’t be with their limited resources, but they’d managed something admirable.  
Stepping back to look it all over reminded them of the issue though. And the ensuing argument caused by that issue.  
After getting a chance to cool down in the interim, Jane felt she may have owed Roxy an apology. She was still upset with the implications of her friend’s ill-timed jests, but she didn’t deserve such hysterics.   
“uh,” Roxy took a few steps away. “i can go get dirk n jake if u want. i hav NO problems interruptin an intimate moment” She chuckled awkwardly, apparently just moving on instead of addressing what happened.  
Jane looked at her with a conflicted expression. “...Sure, please do…” Before Roxy could walk out entirely, she spoke up again. “We should talk later.” All Jane got back was a quick nod as the Lalonde hurried out.

 

The day after Christmas wasn’t looking so good at the moment. Jake was back around and taking up Dirk’s focus with some novice attempt at romance, Roxy had been potentially hurt by Jane’s harsh accusations, teen drama and assorted tomfoolery was abound. Jane sighed. At least they could all suppress those issues for a nice nutritious meal together.


End file.
